|I spent the whole day wanking off to porn. I even had to wash my friend's sheets because I'd soaked them!|
Have I had any medical disasters?” ponders our feverishly hot cover star Alex Sim-Wise. “No, actually. I’ve never even spent a night in hospital, or been very ill, apart from the time I ate my own shit.”
Refreshingly frank, with needle-sharp wit, the excitable red-head explains herself: “I was with a boyfriend about three years ago, and I’d always wanted to try ass-to-mouth because I watch a lot of porn and it looks pretty dirty. We tried it on his parents’ cream sofa. We left a stain, but it was really fun. Afterwards, I went to the loo and passed out stone-cold on the floor. And the next day I felt really ill. I must’ve accidentally eaten a bit of my own shit, I mean, you don’t think about hygiene when you’re watching porn, do you? The films should say, ‘Warning: douche before doing ass-to-mouth or you’ll have a funny turn!”
But Alex’s faeces feast didn’t make her vom, as she she’s got emetophobia, a fear of throwing up. “It’s handy for deep-throating,” she explains, while pretending to chow down on a huge chopper. As far as medical histories go, it’s a bit more interesting than mumps, measles, or a bout of the clap.
Despite wearing her libidinous latex nurses outfit like a smokin’ second skin, Alex is no sponge-bath-giving, soft-spoken carer. “Today I feel like a deadly assassin in a Robert Rodriguez film,” she says. “If I was a serial killer I’d bump people off with enemas – enemas of filth – and that would be my calling card. Detectives would be scratching their heads, growling ‘Goddamn! That tough bitch will enema you to death.’”
Aside from fantasising about catastrophic colon-cleansing, the 28-year-old has a hectic life. Since bursting onto the scene as a Masuimi Max-obsessed alt.model in 2004, Alex has appeared on the cover of magazines, worked as a videogames journalist, presented TV programmes and blogged incessantly.
Now, the self-professed geek is working on a comic about a girls’ school run by demons. “It’s like The Warriors mixed with St.Trinian’s,” she explains. It’s basically loads of girls fighting in skimpy outfits.”
The Coventry-born beauty loves nudity and porn, especially the “fucked-up, creative shit” on Publicdisgrace.com. But even though Alex pops like a weasel to skin flicks now, she didn’t clap her eyes on porn or flick the bean until she was 21. “I was staying at a friend’s place, and she warned me not to look in a certain drawer, so of course I did, and found porn. I spent the whole day wanking off to it. I even had to wash her sheets because I’d soaked them,” Alex laughs. “It was a revelation.”
Unsurprisingly, our nerdy nurse’s favourite getaway is Japan. “I fit in there,” she says. “It’s one of the only countries with its own distinctive culture and I love its organised craziness.”
But Japan’s bonkers fetishes got up her nose. “We used a panty vending machine and paid (£32) for the most expensive knickers it dispensed,” she recalls. “When we opened the bag, it released a cloud of filth. It smelled like death – not like fishy fanny, or poo or piss – like death. And when we unrolled the pants there was a used bloody sanitary towel in the middle. It was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever touched.”
We’d rather Alex touched us, but the naughty nurse rarely even gets time to fluff up her own pillows. “But when I do, I just lie in bed wanking and playing World Of Warcraft,” she reveals. “You can’t go wrong with a bit of me-time.”