I spent the whole day wanking off to porn. I even had to wash my friend's sheets because I'd soaked them!

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Have I had any medical disasters?” ponders our feverishly hot cover star Alex Sim-Wise. “No, actually. I’ve never even spent a night in hospital, or been very ill, apart from the time I ate my own shit.”

Refreshingly frank, with needle-sharp wit, the excitable red-head explains herself: “I was with a boyfriend about three years ago, and I’d always wanted to try ass-to-mouth because I watch a lot of porn and it looks pretty dirty. We tried it on his parents’ cream sofa. We left a stain, but it was really fun. Afterwards, I went to the loo and passed out stone-cold on the floor. And the next day I felt really ill. I must’ve accidentally eaten a bit of my own shit, I mean, you don’t think about hygiene when you’re watching porn, do you? The films should say, ‘Warning: douche before doing ass-to-mouth or you’ll have a funny turn!”

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But Alex’s faeces feast didn’t make her vom, as she she’s got emetophobia, a fear of throwing up. “It’s handy for deep-throating,” she explains, while pretending to chow down on a huge chopper. As far as medical histories go, it’s a bit more interesting than mumps, measles, or a bout of the clap.

Despite wearing her libidinous latex nurses outfit like a smokin’ second skin, Alex is no sponge-bath-giving, soft-spoken carer. “Today I feel like a deadly assassin in a Robert Rodriguez film,” she says. “If I was a serial killer I’d bump people off with enemas – enemas of filth – and that would be my calling card. Detectives would be scratching their heads, growling ‘Goddamn! That tough bitch will enema you to death.’”

Aside from fantasising about catastrophic colon-cleansing, the 28-year-old has a hectic life. Since bursting onto the scene as a Masuimi Max-obsessed alt.model in 2004, Alex has appeared on the cover of magazines, worked as a videogames journalist, presented TV programmes and blogged incessantly.

Now, the self-professed geek is working on a comic about a girls’ school run by demons. “It’s like The Warriors mixed with St.Trinian’s,” she explains. It’s basically loads of girls fighting in skimpy outfits.”

The Coventry-born beauty loves nudity and porn, especially the “fucked-up, creative shit” on Publicdisgrace.com. But even though Alex pops like a weasel to skin flicks now, she didn’t clap her eyes on porn or flick the bean until she was 21. “I was staying at a friend’s place, and she warned me not to look in a certain drawer, so of course I did, and found porn. I spent the whole day wanking off to it. I even had to wash her sheets because I’d soaked them,” Alex laughs. “It was a revelation.”

Unsurprisingly, our nerdy nurse’s favourite getaway is Japan. “I fit in there,” she says. “It’s one of the only countries with its own distinctive culture and I love its organised craziness.”

But Japan’s bonkers fetishes got up her nose. “We used a panty vending machine and paid (£32) for the most expensive knickers it dispensed,” she recalls. “When we opened the bag, it released a cloud of filth. It smelled like death – not like fishy fanny, or poo or piss – like death. And when we unrolled the pants there was a used bloody sanitary towel in the middle. It was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever touched.”

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ALEX SIM-WISE VIDEO!

We’d rather Alex touched us, but the naughty nurse rarely even gets time to fluff up her own pillows. “But when I do, I just lie in bed wanking and playing World Of Warcraft,” she reveals. “You can’t go wrong with a bit of me-time.”