|I pretended to have an orgasm while a wind machine blasted in my face|
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Ping ping! We’re in London’s Soho on a weekday morning, about to meet Bizarre’s latest piping hot cover girl, 21-year-old El Wood, and our phone has just informed us that we‘ve received a text from her.
“Apologies – I’ve woken up with a croaky voice, so I sound like I’ve been sucking a lot of penis,” it reads. “I’ve got a cold but it hasn’t affected my nose, so I’ll meet you outside Nando’s, where I’ll be sniffing the chicken.” Well, morning, Wood! It turns out the smell of peri-peri poultry is one of El’s favourite whiffs, overtaken only by the “natural scent of a sexy man’s neck”, and the odour of the alcohol used to sterilise equipment at Frith Street Tattoo Studio, where El works when she’s not modelling.
Her job involves setting up, breaking down, and cleaning inking machines, booking clients’ appointments, and standing in for the manager when he’s away… but not learning how to tattoo. “I’m not an apprentice, and I have no desire to be,” she shudders. “The responsibility of permanently marking someone’s skin is far too intimidating for me! I couldn’t take the pressure! I’m happy just to watch skilled artists do their thing, and have a laugh.”
El’s colleagues are a bunch of Italian guys who “relentlessly rip the piss” out of her. “There’s constant hilarious banter and outrageous stories from both workmates and customers,” she grins. “I hear it all! The other day, one bloke was recounting in great detail how a girl he was dating loved it when he stuck his thumb up her arse, while another chap keeps sleeping with people who work at the places where I like to buy my dinner… it’s ruining my appetite! I wonder if he’s humped anyone here?”
We’re in a cake shop, where El orders black forest meringue pie for her breakfast, taking pictures of it with her mobile before digging in. “I like to document the yummy things I eat with photos,” she reveals. “It’s my food porn.”
El’s collection of erotic snaps of edibles was boosted during a recent trip to Brooklyn, New York. “I ate ice cream every day, put sprinkles on everything, and ate the best burger of my life,” she enthuses. “It was so tasty that I was speechless. I was silenced by a wad of hot meat – ha-ha!”
She also added to her tatt collection while in the States, getting a tiny drawing of a ‘Big Apple’ with an arrow through it inked on her left wrist as a souvenir.
“I’m into getting itty-bitty tattoos at the moment, including a little ladybird on my right arm, a cherub, and a unicorn,” she says. “I call them my ‘happy tatts’.”
Rather larger is the classic-style half sleeve she’s added to her right forearm, featuring birds and flowers covering up “a terrible rose thingy I had done when I was a littl’un”, and the beautiful illustration of two hands forming a heart shape that now runs across her shoulders. “It seemed like all the girls were tattooed in Brooklyn,” she muses, stealing a forkful of our cheesecake. “It was weird – I felt less special than I do in the UK, and I almost missed the stares!”
TO EL AND BACK
El paid for the Brooklyn holiday herself by saving her wages, but she also managed to get modelling work while she was out there, which was “incredibly flattering seeing as inked gals are ten a penny – or a dozen a dime – in NYC.” You can see some of the photos she posed for on these pages. They show a whole new, saucier, sultrier side to the London lass, whose previous shoots – although always hotter than the molten filling of Satan’s toasted cheese sarnies – have tended to be sweeter than the sugary pastries we’ve just devoured for brekkie.
“I’ve been hired a lot in the past to wear cutesy knee socks and pretend to have giggly pillow fights with topless lasses in college dorms,” El explains. “It was enjoyable to shoot something more fetish-based, adult and womanly. I like to mix things up and haul my ass out of my comfort zone. I was in a music video for Pendulum, which sadly never saw the light of day, but I had to pretend to have an orgasm while a wind machine blasted in my face, and on another job, I had to walk down a crowded street in a transparent leotard. Both experiences were nerve-wracking at first, but I thrive on awkward situations and pushing myself into things I’m terrified of; it helps me to grow.”
Ping ping! This time, it’s El’s phone announcing that she’s received a message. It’s from someone named ‘Lord Abortion’. “When I was 13, I was really into the band Tool, and would go on their chatroom every day,” she cringes. “‘Lord Abortion’ was the online name of another fan I used to speak to on there, and he’s recently got back in touch. He could tell you all sorts of secrets about me…” Aw, won’t El tell us a little secret herself?
“OK… I watched the movie Secretary last week, and although I’d never really thought about it before, the film got me intrigued as to what it would feel like to be spanked, and I’ve discovered I love it! The lead character also pees herself while wearing a bridal gown, but I’m not sure I’m so into weeing in wedding dresses.” So there you have it: El’s more into spanky hanky-panky bedded bliss than wedded piss, she loves baby tattoos and grown-up shoots, and she likes to take snaps of snacks. It goes without saying that we totally Wood.
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