Summer's here and the fetish party season has started, so it's a good time to get a few things straight and talk about proper etiquette at clubs...

RULE 1: NO PEE-PEE RUBBING ON STRANGERS!
First of all, don't get me wrong - I have nothing against exhibitionist men. I can handle, and even have a curious interest for, watching a naked man at a club. Once, at Torture Garden's party in London, I even saw a dude proudly showing off and stroking his 9in one-eyed snake while on the dancefloor, entirely naked except for his white socks glowing under the black lights. It was fine by me. But seriously, don't cross the line by sneaking up behind me and rubbing your package on my Latexed body while I'm watching a fashion show! When this happened, I first noticed heat on the back of my right thigh. At first I didn't pay much attention, but the heat got more persistent and when I turned, I saw it - all erect and stroking on me! Let me tell you, this is definitely the best way to start a relationship with a bleeding nose!

RULE 2: DON'T WHIP STRANGERS IF YOU CAN'T USE YOUR TOOLS!
Another example of bad behaviour at fetish clubs would be to whip a girl stranger's ass as hard as humanly possible. This also happened to me - twice, actually! Once a fan in a London club wanted his picture taken with me, and to make it look as if he was flogging my butt. I agreed, but the bastard actually did it for real - and hard! - and I ended up with black bruises for a week. The second time was in Jamaica, where a guy wanted to catch my hips à la Indiana Jones with his bullwhip. I specifically told the guy to not hit my thighs as I'm very sensitive, but he missed his target and hit the back of my legs. I gave him another chance but he missed again, and this time it really left a mark. I was so upset I chased him with my heels to stab him to death!

RULE 3: NO STALKING!
If you follow a woman everywhere in a club to spy on her and think she's not seen you, you're dumb! I really want to be polite and not yell at these bloodsuckers, and often end up hiding in the bathroom. But the new stalker species is strong and even waits by the door for me to come out! A good way to get yourself a Picasso makeover.

RULE 4: STICK TO THE RULES!
That's it for now. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I fearI might whip someone's head off one day. Just follow the rules and have fun!

GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT: Questions, praise, criticism? Mail: Biancabeauchamp@videotron.ca, or visit me at Latexlair.com

WANT TO PARTY?

All summer: Londonfetishfair.co.uk

July: Tesfest.org;Secretroom.net

September: Fetishweekend.com