Here, for your viewing pleasure, are two delicious damsels you’d love to take up the aisle (aisle 5 in Morrisons, so you could bend them over the deli counter and roger them senseless with a Special Selection salami).

Pictured are 21-year-old dreadhead Rogizoid Shatterz – Roggie for short – and 25-year-old blonde Mandy Morbid. Mandy’s supersize milkers are real: she’s a 28FF. We like to think the ‘FF’ stands for ‘Fucking FUCK.’

These pictures are educational. You’ll learn the following from them:

1If you’re gonna drink wine in the dunny, pick Australian vino Yellow Tail. The product is “Approachable, fresh, flavoursome and fun!” Mmm, like the talent.

2 It’s always wise to keep a nine-pack of Andrex shit tickets handily by the loo if you’re planning on having two virtually naked fräuleins prancing around your badezimmer. You wouldn’t want to get spunk on your lovely beige lino.

3 It’s worth lying on a floor that’s had wee dribbled all over it to snap Mandy standing over you, bazookas out, covering her coochie with nothing but a belt. You can wash the urine out of your barnet, but you’ll never scrub that image out of your head.