Life's a bitch for Mortiis. One minute he's jumping up and down on his bed holding tickets to the opening night of Return Of The King. The next he's weeping into his pillow because the UK Government is running a series of adverts where his doppelgänger is the personification of adult illiteracy. Possibly.

This month his 'woo hoo' moment was the release of The Grudge, an accessible but still dark and menacing electro-industrial album that should stop people banging on about his nose. The 'boo hoo' trade-off is that everyone still thinks he's as miserable as Morrisey on Jordan's hen night .

Hi Mortiis.

Hi man, how are you?

Good, thanks. How are you?

Great.

You sound so much happier than I was told to expect.

People always think I am miserable.

Sorry to be predictable.

Don't worry mate, it's just you and the rest of the world.

Can I ask you about your ears?

They aren't real if that is what it is going to be about.

I was actually going to ask whether you still suffer from when you perforated your eardrum.

That's a new one on me.

You can add that to the list of shit made up about you.

I think I should.

Slip it in next to 'has sex with wolves'.

When was it meant to have happened?

1999. Is anything true about you?

Seems like it isn't. By the way this isn't Mortiis, it is his brother.

Why do you think people make up so much crap about you?

I just happen to have a very visual image that I came up with when I was 17. It would be a pretty bitter pill for journalists to swallow to

have to say, 'I've got to apologise to Mortiis because it turns out what I said isn't true and I shouldn't have called him a rubber-nosed troll,' which is a favourite UK expression about me. It's not like I don't see what gets published about me. It's the same on message boards, so much hostility it is not even funny. After The Stargate came out and it was slagged off as "Morris dancing bullshit"... I think people focused on the image quite a lot.

You know what you should do to set the record straight?

What ?

Rod Stewart, Elvis, Queen....

Go on.

You should make a West End musical about yourself. You have the image and the leaning towards concept albums, it would be amazing.

I would never do it. Who wrote them?

The Queen one was written by Ben Elton.

I would never do it. If someone said, "I will give you £10million in advance because this is going to be a huge success," then OK. I'd get someone to write it, I'd supervise it and we will base it on a scene from The Stargate. When it was ready, I'd release a press statement saying it was nothing to do with me and I was just in it for the money. I just did the music and wasn't on the stage.

Not really the terms I was looking for, but I will do it.

You do that.

*The Grudge is out now on Earache