They've got songs about Sick Bitches, STDs and that well-known scourge of the indie world, Short Man Syndrome, and they keep breaking up and reforming because they keep having bitch-fights and fucking each other's boys. When the band turned up for our interview, they were all happy and laughing and couldn't remember the answers to any of my questions about any of the sleaziest things they'd ever done, because they'd spent the whole previous night eating Mexican magic mushrooms and ecstacy pills, and while I'm not saying people who do drugs are cooler than people that don't, no sireee, they certainly most often seem a lot more fun.
How did that song STDs come about?
Jiggy: We were just chatting... and I said who in here's had STDs, and, heh, a couple of hands went up.
So, who in here has had an STD?
J: All of us!
Beck: it's nothing to be ashamed of!
So, what's the most heinous STD you've had?
All: Ew!
Hello, this is Bizarre magazine...
Teri: Chlamydia!!!!
B: Herpes...
T: Herpes? That like kinda doesn't count for me because the guy... it was on his MOUTH!
J: Er, yeah, and then he went down on you! But I don't think anybody's had anything really gross. Nobody's had gonorrhoea or anything serious.
Domi: Well, I'm still waiting for some results as we speak, so...
How do the lyrics go?
J: 'Take you to the clinic / the guy says take a seat but there's always someone in it'... it's about waiting for the results, so the breakdown's all about this build-up of nervous tension.
What about the lyrics to 'Sick Bitch'?
B: 'You act like you're 12 years old / you're never doing nothing what you're told / you wander round in your push-up bra / forget it love, they've sagged too far!'
I gather tits are very important to you. Do you agree with this John Waters quote: "Your bazooms are your weapons"?
J: True, definitely true.
T: [pointing at her own non-existent tits] Jiggy's are MY weapons!
B: They're more of a tease, aren't they? More like a sort of carrot, on a stick.
J: Yeah! I sort of stick them out a bit more when I see a guy I like.
What's the sleaziest thing you've done?
J: Oh. My. God. That thing was pretty sleazy, what you told me today - about the E that stuck to the back of the toilet...
B: That's not that sleazy!
J: No, but it's GROSS.
B: Well, I was biting an E in half, and I coughed, because it tasted disgusting, and half of it flew out my mouth and cuz of my saliva and whatever, it stuck to the back of the bowl. I ate it anyway.
All: ERGH!
B: Yeah, well - it cost me 20 quid!
Twenty quid???
B: it was a long time ago! When they were first around and really good and really expensive...
I ain't gonna leave it there! It's like leaving
a tenner stuck to the back of the toilet!
J: God, I can't remember the sleaziest thing I've done. I reckon the sleaziest things are when you go blank, and you can't remember. You block it out your mind. C'mon, Teri, you must have some?
T: I dunno about the sleaziest...
J: Yeah, what about that spitroast, luv?
T: [outraged laughter]
D: I quite enjoyed when... was that sleazy? Teri was sucking my nipples..
J: in PUBLIC! In a pub!
D: ... for about 20 minutes!
T: Can I just say, there was a T-shirt between the nipple and my lips.
J: Because obviously that makes it OK. We always snog each other.
T: Except Becky. Becky's holding out. She's such a slag for attention.
Teddy: Yeah, you turned me down.
J: Yeah, and you turned ME down.
B: When?
J: When I was at that club, trying to snog loads of people.
B: Why? Why? What a waste!
D: One night, I was kissing your feet, and you turned me down.
B: My FEET? Is that how far you got?
D: Yeah, you said don't go any further.
B: Really? Maybe that was pre-my new character. I'm not the same person I was.
What's your new character?
B: Just, like, a total slut, basically. I used
to be really good.
J: Yeah, till she met me. We're the
terrible twins.
Is it good to be a slut?
B: Yeah! We have great fun!
J: But not slut in the destructive, self-defeating sense. I mean, where you shag... anything. I mean. I only go for guys 21-29 who are exceptionally good-looking. We got morals.
T: Um, that's not morals. That's standards.
J: Oh. Yeah!
For more, go to http://www.thedirtyburds.com
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