If Johnny Depp's scared of clowns I’m gonna fuckin’ lick his face next time I see him. I’m gonna fuckin’ kiss his neck.

Slipknot founding member Shawn Crahan’s drumming is so violent he needs the world’s only all titanium drumkit to prevent him from destroying it – and brings intensity to everything he does. During Ozzfest ’99, he smashed his head open on his drums twice, both times finishing the set and signing autographs for fans before being driven off in high 90 temperatures to hospital for stitches.

When he’s not needed during a gig, he spends most of his time running around the stage and fighting Slipknot turntablist Sid, which has resulted in a few broken ribs. Party tricks at shows have included bringing out the remains of a dead crow in a jar (cue vomiting in mask and then letting kids rub the puke over their faces), eating a severed beaver’s tail (cue vomiting in mask again), and being maced by a security guard for driving around a venue in a golf cart.

The world knows Shawn as Clown, and he never appears in print or at gigs without his mask. For our clown special he pulled us into a dark alley and barked at us about his life. “I’m gonna tell you a true story,” he began. “Straight up. Clowns teach humans what colour is.” Stand back, people.

Why do clowns rule?

We’re just bizarre. We live outside the bounds of what most humans know. We obtain colour. Vomit, pissing, shitting all over ourselves. If you’re a little kid you’re like ‘Hey, look at the elephant, look at the lion… what the FUCK is that, mom?’ ‘That’s a clown, don’t be scared.’ ‘Bullshit, I’m outta here, he’s weird. He’s got problems, what’s he doin?’ Watchin’ 19 of them come out of a car… Why do they run around, why they have these weird instruments? I mean fuck these people, why do they paint their face so I can’t see who THEY are? Clowns are fuckin’ there, dude.

What was the story behind the first clown mask you had?

I was in a shopping centre with a ladyfriend and I always go into this store with stupid posters and all that shit. And there he was, just sittin’ there all by himself and I just saw different things in it. And it was full of colour man, it was just pure colours. We took off, and I’m a spoilt rotten little brat so I had to like, come back after we’d only walked maybe a couple of hundred feet. ‘Cause I’m thinking there’s people watching it and playing with it thinkin’ its pretty cool. It was .95 and I had sixty bucks. My ladyfriend was all pissed off ‘cause she wanted me to buy lunch and all this shit and was like ‘What do you want a stupid fuckin’ mask for man, you’re like…’ 15, 16, 17, whatever I was, and I’m like, ‘Shut the FUCK up. You’re a girl, I’m a guy, it’s a guy gig, so shut the FUCK up. Got the mask. And guess what, I ain’t with that fuckin’ girl no more.

When did you first wear the mask for Slipknot?

Basically I started taking the mask everywhere I went. I had another band and I used to put the mask in-between my tom-toms. I’d never do a show without it. And I actually wore it in a show, and it was crazy. It was one song, and I remember how that perspective was, and I never forgot it.

How did it change you?

It doesn’t change me, it just… helps people see me… I may have it hard communicating who I am… Shawn… Shawn’s been going through school, taking state tests, applying for credit cards, all that shit. They know who Shawn is man. But do they really? I only found out who I am just a little bit ago.

Did you design the second mask?

Yup. This is the way it goes, so the whole world can understand what the fuck is going on. I’ll tell it to you. I have a guy, his name is Screaming Mad George, lives in Los Angeles California, a fantastic artist, one of the best. I go to him and he’s so Japanese that the only way he can really do what you want is if you’re right there telling him. His medium is clay. So you sit down and you make a mould of your face. That clown mask IS my face. Then I say, ‘Hey – left brain exposed. Cut that out of my head. Sick, fuckin’… ram it into my fuckin’ head, let’s play with it. I want a pentagram scratched into my face itself, ‘cause no one in this world is brave enough to be responsible…’ that mask is gone by the way.

If you didn’t see it, you’re FUCKED. The world will never see that mask again. All they will see is regurgitated vomit. That’s it. And fuck everyone who cares, ‘cause guess what: you’re either in or you’re out. I wore that for a specific time. I have a ledger of why that mask was created. The karma that was created, the ignorance that people have in writing interviews, mothers and fathers who are so white trash they don’t wanna take the time to understand anything more than ‘Get up at 8 and work till 5 and pay 50% of your cheque. Fuckin’… if you don’t put down the deposit you’ll lose your account. I wore that mask for a fuckin’ long time to fuckin’ do the work, to feel all the hate, all the shit. Now it’s gone and now I’m in a new place.

Which is what?

Aah, fuck man. My new mask is like, fuck. My new mask is the kind where you’re like, in your computer room, you can just fuckin’ get mellowed out for the night. You turn on your light and you’re in your vibe… you feel like someone’s watching, and you basically die right there. You die. Fuckin’ look at me.

When will we see this?

You have to ask Slipknot that shit. We’ve taken a fuckin’ hiatus. I’m ready to fuckin’ work.

Have you met anyone who’s scared of clowns?

Oh yeah, man. Hell yeah. First of all, there are so many people with clown phobia, I’ve met so many of them. We’re a big band, right? So we’ll do an in-store, five, six thousand people. Okay. I’m not bullshitting here, at least out of four or five thousand people, if you’re lucky, if I’M lucky, there will only be two. There’s always one. No bullshittin’, you know what’s funny? Clown phobia – they don’t tell you they have it, because they HAVE clown phobia. They don’t want a fuckin’ clown knowin’ that they’re shittin’ their fuckin’ panties! They don’t wanna know. I watch them.

How can you tell who they are?

Oh I can just tell, I can just smell ‘em.

Do you confront them?

Actually… I know they’re comin’… it’s more of a, like, friendly gesture, so no matter what I will always touch the person. Put my arm around them. They can be scared of me or not scared of me. I try to make it sexual. I want them to know my being. I want them to see through whatever it is I want them to feel. Maybe I want them to go ‘Dude, his knee’s touching my thigh, and it felt like it was stabbing through, I could feel his breath all underneath his mask, on part of my neck…’

What would you say to Billy Bob Thornton and Johnny Depp about their clown phobia?

Well Billy Bob Thornton, I would say, check it out. ‘Let’s get five camera dudes, get into that fuckin’ crazy character of yours in Slingblade and I’ll just fuckin’ show up out of the woods and we’ll just film the whole thing. You can put Billy Bob Thornton in Slingblade and I’ll put Shawn and Clown together and, fuck, see what happens.’ Johnny Depp, dude, he wants to be Edward Scissorhands, and do fuckin’ Sleepy Hollow and he’s fuckin’ scared of clowns, he’s a pussy. If he’s scared of clowns I’m gonna fuckin’ lick his face next time I see him. I’m gonna fuckin’ kiss his neck.