He got Hugh ‘Dr House’ Laurie to play on his new record, he doesn’t want bitch tits, and he can still “rock your fuckin’ brains out” – we don’t doubt it, Mr Loaf!

For over four decades, the bloke born Marvin Lee Aday has sold a bazillion portions of gloriously OTT rock, served with a side dish of awesome. Now he’s back with Hang Cool Teddy Bear, a concept album that tells the story of a soldier lying injured on the battlefield, whose life flashes before his eyes – but instead of seeing his past, he sees possible versions of his future. Bizarre talks turkey with The Meat and gives him a 13-question flame-grilling. Somebody pass the gravy…

1 If you were in a situation like the soldier in Hang Cool Teddy Bear, what would you do?
I get aggressive when I’m confronted, so I’d run out of the foxhole and across the field, shouting, ‘You sonofabitch! Fuck you!’ Then I’d probably get shot and killed, but I’d go out in a ‘Blaze Of Glory’… with that Bon Jovi song playing in the background.

2 Your fictional soldier has a series of premonitions. Have you ever had a spooky vision yourself?
Not exactly. But I think everyone gets premonitions of what they should do when they’re faced with a decision – even if they then do the wrong thing! It’s like when you go into a store and buy something on impulse: your brain says, ‘You don’t need this. Don’t get it.’ But you buy it anyway, and suffer buyer’s remorse afterwards.

3 Yeah, we shouldn’t have bought that anal cattle prod. Anyway… The producer of Hang Cool, Rob Cavallo, has worked with bands such as Green Day and My Chemical Romance, who are known for their political tracks – how political are your new songs?
Politics doesn’t come into my work, but then ‘Peace On Earth’ (Hang Cool’s opener) could be interpreted as either pro-war or anti-war: the character is saying he wants to stop fighting and go home, but he also states that he’d take a hundred thousand lives to defend his home. I think everybody – even peaceful people – would defend themselves like that. The only person who didn’t was Jesus – and none of us are Jesus.

4 While we’re on the subject of God, we should mention that Hang Cool features deities of rock such as Queen’s Brian May and guitar hero Steve Vai. Then there’s Justin Hawkins from The Darkness, who told us a while ago that he collects cats’ testicles. Some people slag you off for packing too many crazy collaborations onto the record, saying it’s gimmicky – what do you say to that?
Some people think I’ve shelled out for a load of hired guns to help me out because I’m old and past it, and I only work with people because of their celebrity status. To those who criticise me, I say: ‘Fuck you, sonofabitch, go and actually listen to the fucking record. It’ll rock your brains out.’ I didn’t base my choices on who to collaborate with on their fame; it was about who was right for the songs. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a moron.

5 How did Hugh Laurie get involved, given that he’s better known as an actor?
He’s a great musician. The guy can really play the piano. We worked together on an episode of the TV show House that aired last April and he was great to me, so I wrote him a note asking if he’d like to make some music, and quietly handed it to his assistant – I wasn’t going to bug him about it. But he said he’d love to, and we had a brilliant time.

6 Jack Black also pops up on Hang Cool. You played his dad in the film Tenacious D In The Pick Of Destiny. What kind of son would Jack make in real life?
Since we worked on the movie, we’ve had this weird, father/son relationship in real life. If I were to have a son it’d definitely be Jack.

7 You described your last album, Bat Out Of Hell III, as ‘awful’. But you’ve called Hang Cool one of the best things you’ve ever done. What’s the difference?
The songs. There’s not a moment on this album that I’d change. There are loads of weak bits on Bat III, but Hang Cool is powerful. I’d put it on the same level as the original Bat Out Of Hell, but not higher. It’s like Bruce Springsteen – anything he makes can only ever equal Born To Run. He’ll  never beat it!

8 Bat Out Of Hell is one of the biggest selling records of all time, but is there anything you’d change on it?
I don’t like the arrangement on ‘Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth’. The producers triple-tracked my voice, so it doesn’t sound the same live as it does on the record. It’s a manufactured vocal.

9 You must get recognised all the time. What’s the freakiest thing a stranger’s ever told you?
Two women came up to me and claimed they were my daughters from a previous relationship. I just said, ‘Bullshit, get the fuck out of here!’ And they said, ‘We can prove it.’ Then one of them tried to assault me! I said, ‘Come on then, let’s go for a DNA test! Fuck you, ya nutballs!’

10 Bloody hell! They had it bad for your meat loins. What new bands do you rate?
I love Kings Of Leon. They were asked to play at the Grammys this year – most bands would’ve jumped at the chance – but they turned it down and went home instead. That’s real rock’n’roll. It was the coolest thing I’d heard in years. I dig Pink too – she’s got a different style completely, but she’s got attitude. I like that.

11 You’re really well known for your acting roles, like ‘Bitch Tits’ Bob Paulson in Fight Club. Would you like to have a walloping pair of milkers like Bob?
No way. Those giant weighty breasts kill your neck. They really hurt. I don’t know how Pamela Anderson gets by. I’m not interested. If I had to have titties, I’d want to be flat-chested. Mine are already big enough!

12 Have you ever come across a Meat Loaf tribute act that you thought was better than you?
There’s no such thing! Tribute acts don’t understand that it’s not just about singing the notes or having a motorcycle on stage. It’s about being in the moment. They just copy a moment: so they might sound like me doing ‘Bat Out Of Hell’ – big fucking deal. It’s not relevant. No tribute act could ever be better. I once heard a Led Zeppelin tribute say they were better than the original – not a fucking prayer.

13 Finally, our unlucky 13th question. When’s the last time you shat yourself?
I was really ill, and didn’t get to the bathroom in time, so I soiled the rug! I’ve heard that when you die you soil yourself. That’s horrible. If I know my death’s approaching, I’m gonna fast. 
I don’t want people walking in on my dying moments and going ‘Oh God, Jesus, the smell!’