You probably know Dom Joly from Trigger Happy TV. But, in case you hadn’t guessed from the titles, he was also responsible for This Is Dom Joly, Dom Joly’s Excellent Adventure and Dom Joly’s Happy Hour. He’s probably the funniest man in the world with a first-class degree in Arabic and International Politics.

What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever had in your mouth?

The barrel of a Kalashnikov. We were filming near a salt lake in Syria, and when we took some time off, I was doing handbrake turns on it. I thought it was a desert but it turned out it was quite a valuable commodity to the local town. There was a guy who lived in a little hut in the middle of this salt lake and it was his job to guard the salt. He saw us arsing around, went fucking mental and ended up shoving the barrel of a Kalashnikov in my mouth. In the end our interpreter managed to talk him down.

Is that the closest you’ve come to death?

No. I grew up in Lebanon, so I’ve been shelled, I’ve been shot at, and been in a car that had its windscreens broken by bullets twice. I was playing tennis when a rocket hit a tree next door. And I went to school with Osama Bin Laden but nobody ever believes that. He was older than me so we weren’t exactly sitting in class together, but technically we were at school at the same time.

Have you ever seen a UFO?

I’ve never seen one, but I totally believe in the possibility. The likelihood that we’re the best that could be created is ridiculous. My only problem is, why do UFOs only ever appear to really, really, really dumb hicks in the southern states of America? Maybe the aliens are thicker than us. I’d want to find someone you could exchange information with other than how to cook pigs’ testicles.

Do you collect anything weird?

I used to have a shrapnel collection. Growing up in Beirut, rather than marbles or anything like that, I’d find bullet casings everywhere. So I swapped them in the playground. I think I had a period where I collected stamps. But I thought it was just so sad that I burned them.

What's the weirdest animal you've ever ridden?

A water buffalo. I was in this sort of Hells Angel pub in Australia. It was a particularly weird evening. I was drunk. They came in on motorbikes, and my friend Pete came in on a horse. I came in on a water buffalo. I can't remember much. I ordered a babycham, which I thought was very amusing at the time, and I nearly got beaten up. A water buffalo has a very bony back that sticks out so, I think, maybe a better ride for a lady.

My main phobia is that when I bend down at a water fountain to get the water someone will kick me from behind and my front teeth will cave in on the metal tap. It’s very weird. I really, really don’t like that at all. Every time I go to a tap, I suddenly have this vision of that happening. And I know some people have coulrophobia, which is a fear of clowns, but I’ve got a fear of circuses. I’ve no idea why, but they just totally freak me out. If I drive past a circus I come out in a sweat and it makes me nervous.

What’s the oddest thing you’ve ever eaten?

I had guinea pig in Ecuador. It’s a big, fat hamster thing and they spitroast it and serve it with unidentifiable vegetables, so it was actually really good. Whenever anyone says they’ve eaten anything weird, they always say it tastes like chicken, so I’m not going to say that. I’m going to say it tasted like lamb, although it did taste a bit like chicken.

Have you ever had an imaginary friend?

Yes, I did have an imaginary friend. When I was a kid I had a dog called Arthur who didn’t exist, and he used to speak to me. I remember exactly what he looked like, and he talked to me all the time. Arthur is a great name for a dog. I wanted to call my dog Steve but my wife wouldn’t let me. I just like really ordinary names for dogs. Tony and Dave.

What did you and Arthur talk about?

He was a bit of a getting-into-trouble-type person, and he used to swear a lot. He was always like, “Go on, do that, you want to do that.” He was a tosser, really.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

No, but I’ve heard one. I live in a 14th-century house that used to be a hospital for returning crusaders who died here. We had a Colombian au pair who kept putting up these little pictures of the Virgin Mary. She said, “It’s for the children in the night,” and explained that at night she could hear kids running up and down and crying outside in the corridor. She was like, “These are spirit kids.” I was like, “Oh, Jesus Christ,” but I have heard sounds like kids running up and down the corridor, and I know mine were asleep.

Have you ever been aroused by any kind of inanimate object?

I’ve probably been aroused by a melon in my time.

You say that like it’s normal.

I think it is, isn’t it? I think we’ve all had a go. I’ve certainly explored all avenues of a melon. I went to boarding school, and there’s fuck all else to do.

If you had to have sex with an animal, what would you choose?

A panda. I think it would be a nice fit, and you’ve got something to wipe yourself on. I don’t know why, I just fancy a panda. And you’re probably going to be in China, so who’s going to know? I‘ve got no problem with that.

Necrophilia, coprophilia or bestiality?

I’d take the panda every time. I’m going to the Beijing Olympics as a special correspondent for The Independent, and on my day off I might just go off for a wander up to a panda park and see what happens.

Dom Joly has a book out called Letters To My Golf Club, published by Transworld. And you can now get his round-the-world drinking series, Dom Joly’s Happy Hour, on DVD