MOBO-award-winning grime rapper Lethal Bizzle (Maxwell Ansah to his ma) was born in Walthamstow, East London. He used to be part of the garage collective More Fire Crew, whose single ‘Oi!’ (can you guess how the lyrics go?) entered the Top 10 in 2002. Nowadays, he’s going it alone – he’s performed at Download, Reading and Leeds as a solo artist, and has collaborated with Gallows and Pete Doherty. The following interview is brought to you today by the letter ‘Z’.

Hello Monsieur Bizzle. What’s that clattering sound?
I’m just tidying my gaff, clearing away a gigantic stack of 25 empty Haribo sweetie tubs. I love Starmix, and Kiddies’ Supermix, and Tangfastics – I can’t get enough of those sour, fizzy-fizzy chewy cherries. I probably eat more sugary shit now than I did when I was a kid.

What were you like as a young whippersnapper?
I was hyper-energetic, cheeky and always up to no good, but in a ‘loveable rogue’ way that charmed all the mums and dads. I swaggered about as though I was three or four years older than I actually was, slyly pinging missiles at my mates with my homemade pellet gun.

I swear, I thought I was the first person on earth to figure out how to make a little crossbow from elastic bands, bits of wood and my mum’s clothes pegs. All the kids on my estate started making them after I trotted around with one. I was a trendsetter even then! Shit – I’ve just remembered the time one of my mates got shot in the head for real!

Whaaat?
There was a rifle range in Walthamstow where blokes used to go and shoot clay pigeons and targets and shit, but the hilly grounds were perfect for riding a BMX on. Man, those dips were absolutely ridiculously sick, boi!

We used to sneak in through a hole in the fence and go and pull stunts on our bikes. One day, we heard a bang, and my friend Andrew fell sideways off his saddle, mid-bunnyhop. He rolled over and moaned “I think I’ve been shot!” and we were like, “What the fuck?” It was usually a five-minute roll back to his house, but we powered over in about 30 seconds to tell his mother, who started freaking out like you wouldn’t believe.

At hospital, it turned out a stray bullet had just skimmed his temple and he was fine, but they fixed the fence after that. The neighbourhood kids hated us for ruining their fun! I think the whole place might have shut down now.
 
What would you do if we gave you unlimited money to make a music video?
I’d fly Angelina Jolie, Beyoncé, Halle Berry and a bunch of Playboy model chicks to the moon, and dress them in white bikinis to show off their anti-gravity bodies in the anti-gravity atmosphere. I’d be there with vodka and pineapple juice in one hand and a tub of Tangfastics in the other, dressed in a designer suit made of some shiny Bizzle-style futuristic fabric. There’d be white tigers floating about too, wearing space helmets.

If you had to sleep with an animal, what would it be?
I’d make myself a lion – the king of the jungle – and have 1000,000,000,000mph sex with a slinky lady cheetah. Don’t get me wrong – I mean my lion penis would be thrusting so fast it’d be a blur, not that the sex would only last a second! Hell no. I’d be going at it at lightning speed with her while she’s grabbing at my mane and shit, rolling around with me, doing cartwheels. We’d make some crazy cross-bred babies. Then I’d put them in space helmets and cast them in my video.
 
Do you believe in ghosts?
No. A girl was telling me the other day about how she thought she was being haunted. She was in bed when she heard her door creak open and this mad crackling sound enter the room, so she hid under her duvet. Then she heard the door slam shut, and the crackling noise travelled down her stairs, accompanied by footsteps. It was probably her landlord, with an electric cattle prod, coming to hassle her over some beef about overdue rent!

If you could have a magic power,  what would it be?
I’d want the power to instantly teleport anywhere. I’m a landlord myself, and I’d love to see what one of my tenants is getting up to. When they moved into my flat it was brand new, but there’s some weird damage to some of the fixtures and walls.

Teleportation would also mean I’d never have to fly anywhere, which would be great as I have a mega fear of plane crashes. If you were plummeting towards the earth in a doomed aircraft it’d take you a while to hit the ground, and all that time you’d know that it was over – you’re dead, you’re outta control. Lethal’s gone.
 
Do you have any obsessions?
I’m a chicken guy. I eat it more than seven times a week. There’s a fake KFC that I like near me, called Tennessee Fried Chicken – like the Dolly Parton version. There’s also a great fake Nando’s called Pando’s, and a Chinese fake Nando’s called Chando’s! Ha!
 
Finally, the Bizarre challenge. If you had to choose between necrophilia, bestiality or coprophilia, what would you pick?
That’s all foul! I’d have to go with the shit, but I’d take the turds from one of those well-bred Chihuahuas that posh girls carry around in designer handbags. Their dog shit probably smells of roses.

Lethal Bizzle’s third album Go Hard is out now