Should you ever become trapped on an alt.porn set before the fluffer arrives and people start asking you for the squirter’s chuck, and if you’d like a snowball after a cream pie, you’d better know what they’re talking about unless you want to end up under a BBW about to get your first dirty dozen while you open up for Jesus. The world of porn lingo isn’t for the faint of heart or the weak of willy, so knowing the difference between back spackle and bukkake could some day save your life... or at least your boner. Don’t skeet and run until you know the basics of porn vocab.
Alt.porn n Rebels without a paycheck; tattooed girls in stripy socks ‘giving it to the man’ with their punk rock attitudes and facial piercings, while the man gives it to them.
ATM abr 1 Automatic Teller Machine n 2 Ass-To-Mouth v Where starlets get cash. When an object or penis penetrates the anus and goes directly to the mouth of the anus’ owner. We’re sure it tastes just like money.
Back Spackle n When a man pulls out of a girl in doggy style position and releases his wall paste onto her back: something that can give you ‘builders’ elbow’.
Bareback, Barebacking v When you pillage her village and invade her Roman tunnel without a Trojan.
Bear n A large hairy gay man. Usually friendly, unless you get between him and his food in the wild.
BBW abr Big Beautiful Woman n When a girl is the biggest porn star in the video because she has ‘big bones’. Porn with large girls and men who use their vaginas for shade.
Bukkake n When a group of men ejaculate on a solo female and tell her it’s raining. Typically, they don’t let her know they’re going to do it first, and the liquid is administered to a specific area such as face, mouth or body. Usually considered rude because the men don’t buy her a drink first.
Chuck n Lucky old Charles, when he’s going by his nickname, is actually the slang term for a sheet thrown down on a mattress as protection for squirters; specifically female ejaculators, who can produce copious amounts of fluid upon orgasm.
Contract Girl n A porn star who becomes a single studio’s prize pony, exhibiting her dressage skills with a variety of riders, revelling in the one-handed applause of all her fans.
Cream Pie n When a female performer receives ejaculation inside her vagina or anus, and the result is visible on the outside of her pie pans. A treat that can be enjoyed by even lactose-intolerant actresses.
Crotch Light n When your crotch wants to stay up late at night with a good book, such as The Da Vinci Load. Or, the focused light used to illuminate the Crotch Shot.
Crotch Shot n When a porn star is ready for the ultimate close-up: the twat’s 15 minutes of fame.
Dirty Dozen n The enjoyment of three hands, each with thumbs out, in someone’s ass (a total of 12 fingers): something you’ll think twice about ordering on your next trip to the bakery.
Double-Fisting v When two fists are in one hole (usually vaginal, sometimes anal) or when two stars are simultaneously fisting. Teasing someone for having a drink in each hand will never be the same.
Dp abr Double Penetration v Driving in both tunnels. When an accommodating lady becomes even more accommodating, and quite becoming, as she is daintily diddled in both anus and vagina. For obvious reasons, to avoid confusion on set, Directors Of Photography are not called ‘DP’, but simply ‘videographers’.
DVDA abr Double Vaginal Double Anal n The most amazing show on Earth, starring four penises, one vagina and one very surprised anus. Also the name of South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s band.
Feelers n When a woman can’t see and must navigate using only the hairs around her outer labia. Actually, hair on an unshaven vulva in close-up on camera, where pubic hair appears larger than life.
Fingercuffing v A nod to the Chinese novelty finger trap, fingercuffing is when a girl becomes a dick-trap, with one in each end.
FIP abr Fake Internal Pop Shot n When a male orgasm is faked while he’s inside. An FIP makes it seem as though internal ejaculation occurred, for the sake of creating a Cream Pie video. Making Cream Pies isn’t always as easy as following your mum’s recipe.
Fisting v Under fire for being an ‘obscene’ sex act, this is the insertion of an entire hand into a vagina or anus. When an orifice gets cheeky and someone has to make it behave, the bad orifice gets the fist.
Fluffer n The stuff of legends, myth and truth; the person who stimulates male talent into an erect state just prior to action. A job outsourced long ago – not to India, but to Viagra.
Footing v Fisting is an obscenity risk, so it’s happy feet time for every girl and guy when you’re inserting part of the foot inside a vagina or anus.
Gangbang n When all the pizza delivery men show up at once and the housewife has to pay them at the same time.
Gape, Gapes, Gaping v A body fetish trend in American porn where the anus or vagina is held open and isn’t allowed to close during in-and-out penetration. Also, a worrisome way to lose one’s car keys.
Ghost Rigger n Not a fixture on a moaning, haunted porn set: this is the person who actually does the rope bondage and then passes it off to the ‘dominant’ who’ll act like he or she did the tying.
Gloryhole n A hole, typically in a bathroom stall, through which a penis is inserted for the joy and amusement of the person in the stall, resulting in fun for everyone. Porn adaptations depict gloryhole rooms with holes in all of the walls and in the floor, where a starlet flings herself about in a human game of ring toss.
Golden Showers n When your boss tells you it’s raining, or a scene in porn that depicts one person urinating on, or into, the obviously urinal-like opening of another person.
Jack Shack n 1 Where Jack rests when he needs to take a load off. 2 A peep show.
Lesbian Porn n Watching yourself being rendered obsolete. Within the business, the term is used in jest between actual lesbian female performers when alluding to ‘fake’ gay-for-pay girl/girl scenes performed by straight women, where performers have long nails and over-the-top tongue flicks.
Lube Buffet n All you can eat at the Jack Shack. When there are a variety of sexual lubricants on set for performers, it’s called a Lube Salad. Not as delicious as it sounds, unless you love the taste of Astroglide Soup. Can refer to the practice of mixing water-based gel with silicone lubricant for added cushion and long-lasting action.
Mainstream Porn n What your dad used to put Mr Kleenex’s kids through college.
Make Room For Jesus v What directors make porn stars do so you may batter your bishop. If the altar’s rockin’ don’t bother knockin’ is what performers are told when they need to angle out or position the body so that there’s space between performers, and the camera can get a clear shot of the action.
The Midori n A Mona Lisa porn face: a sly look at the camera with a knowing smile, as done by adult actress Midori. The Princess Leia look, so you can get down with your Han Solo.
MILF abr Mother I’d Like to Fuck n What your mum isn’t, or the genre a starlet finds work in when she turns 19. It spawned the less-used DILF or Dad I’d Like to Fuck
Mish abr Missionary Position adj A porn sexual position made popular by religious missionaries who learned everything they know about sex from watching pornography and travelling the world teaching their knowledge of sexual positions to native populations.
Orgy n When everyone simultaneously orders and delivers pizza.
Pearl Necklace n Ladies, it’s the nicest thing he’ll ever give you; or, when a man ejaculates on a woman’s breasts, neck or neckline, thus simulating the nicest thing he’ll never give you.
Pop Shot, Money Shot n The scene depicting male ejaculation, also known as a willy’s five seconds of fame.
Pro-Am abr Professional Amateurs n Performers who work the amateur circuit of porn until they’re too well-known or too old to pass for 18, after which they become MILFs, usually the following Monday.
RACK abr Risk Aware Consensual Kink adj A term used to indicate performers and/or porn companies are taking steps to ensure safety and risk awareness while beating the marmalade out of each other for erotic amusement.
Reverse Cowgirl adj When a girl is saddled up on her pony, herding sperm, and decides to ride backwards to give the camera a better view of her saddle-parts. The woman is on top, facing the man’s feet with legs spread over his thighs, thankfully covering his face, and demonstrating why she didn’t get the job at Cirque Du Soleil.
Safeword n Used in BDSM by the submissive to signify they’ve had enough of your twisted fun and games and want the activity to stop; also used in kinky porn by both the stars and the crew when they’ve had enough of your penis puppetry.
Samoans n Not the ethnic group, but the big quiet muscled guys who step in between shots to move performers into positions when they can’t get up on their own. Also called Lifters – very common in fetish and BDSM porn – the guys off to the side of a complicated rope suspension fetish film shoot.
Scissoring adj When two delicate flowers ride each other’s vulvas sidesaddle. Both participants’ legs are in a v-shape and at right angles: an act uncommon among actual lesbians. Porn star Jiz Lee tells us, “Some dyke porn stars do this in their personal life but not on camera. They save it for their special loves off screen.”
SheMale n The label given to transgender performers of formerly male bodies who’ve retained their penises yet adopted all other physical characteristics of adult women. Reviled by the transgender community, some ‘chicks with dicks’ performers are now claiming the term for empowerment (see Queer).
Skeet v Just like clay pigeon shooting, the act of ‘pull!’ and then shoot: to launch a flying stream of man juice though the air. Or, when a pizzle drizzles all over a girl’s nizzle.
Snowballing, Cum Swapping adj When one woman receives snow in her mouth from a man’s snowmaker, and passes it back and forth with another woman. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade: when a guy gives a girl too much cream for her coffee, she just has to share.
Solo adj When a porn star diddles their fiddle without anyone’s help.
Squirter, Squirting, Squirts v 1 When a girl’s geyser erupts: “Bobbi Starr was totally squirting in Bobbi Violates Europe.” 2 v The act of enjoying the delicious American cold soft drink, Squirt: “She said she was giving up Squirt for Lent, but I guess not.”
Strong Arm/Hand n This is the performer’s ‘good’ or reliable arm for fucking, often the right hand: Not the bouncer by the door who makes sure Vinny gets his cut of the action.
Suitcase Pimp n Male baggage. A starlet’s unemployed boyfriend or husband who accompanies her onto the porn set with her bags, telling everyone that he’s her manager. Usually annoying and/or abusive, seen yelling into his phone trying to look important, and possibly putting food in his pockets.
Three-way n When you’re in a solo and two pizza delivery men show up, and you’re all out of money. In modern society, women can also deliver pizzas. Or, when a woman is attacked by two men, and must beat them off.
Thumbs n In the US, obscenity laws about fisting are circumvented by having thumbs visible during hand insertions, prompting directors to shout, “thumbs!” to keep the digits sticking out, making each fisting look like a happy-go-lucky ‘thumbs up’ gesture.
Wizard n The halo of wisdom as exhibited by hair around the anus. Originated from Belladonna’s Strapped Dykes, evidently full of wise old butt hairs.
Wood n What a man needs to build a house inside a woman, or a midget.