Wednesday 24th February

Hello! The Demented is back after an extended break. We return with the French in uproar over shock anti-smoking campaign. If national stereotypes are anything to go by (and, of course, they are) the French like nothing more than sucking on a Gauloises and having racy, continental, bed bound relations with each other. Ooh la la etc. But put the two together and the country flips out. The anti-smoking campaign features reluctant males and females about to engage in a bit of mouth to crotch action, with a cigarette suggestively replacing a trouser snake and a caption reading: "Smoking is to be a slave to tobacco." For the world, we don't understand how this connection has been made or how it will put kids off smoking. Oral sex definitely, but smoking probably not. 

In india, a wedding ceremony went off with a bang when the groom was accidentally killed by a stray celebratory bullet fired by his uncle. Pankaj Kishore Karotia was about to leave for the wedding reception when his uncle, attempting to fire into the air, mistakenly shot him in the head. Gunfire has become increasingly popular at Indian wedding ceremonies although, we hope, this incident may stall it's widespread emergence.

Nicholas Lorenzo, 25, a supermarket worker, recently took the idea of manning the 'meat counter' too far after being arrested for indecent exposure. Lorenzo allegedly was beating his own butcher's best/choking his chicken/pulling his pork/hand-drying his hamburger while doling out chops, sausages and steaks. There are no winners in this disturbing story - except immature, childish weird news writers who have an excuse to bash out a load of utterly rubbish meat-based wank puns. One hand high five, Nicholas.

Continuing the red meat based fun (we're just getting started here), the Kansas City Royals baseball team are being sued by an enraged fan who claims his eye was damaged by a stray hot dog thrown by mascot Slugger the Lion. According to court documents: "Slugger lost control of his throw...and threw the hotdog directly into the plaintiff." The Royals face paying ,000 for failing to "adequately train it's agents...in the proper method in which to throw hotdogs into stands." Meanwhile a British company want to tackle the obesity crisis by replacing the humble potato crisp in our regular diet with a crisp made entirely from beef.

Finally here's a couple of strange websites worth casting an eye over. Has anyone offended you recently? Really got you steamed? Is vengeance on the cards? Then look no further than Poopsenders, a site which allows you to send a full gallon of animal faeces to the door of your enemy. Can't see if they ship to Britain, but only one way to find out - someone order some, find out and let us know the (patently hilarious) results. And there's Please Rob Me, a site that let's the world know if your not at home so the whole world can steal all your stuff. Despite the name, the site's intention is not to direct burglars to your abode for a quick swipe. Instead the founders are simply highlighting that a combination of online private details (an address) and a Twitter update ('just left home for a two week holiday!') could see you robbed blind.