Thursday, 25^th March

On Monday, a Dallas mother proved she cared more about her car than her child. When repo man Luke Ross repossessed Krystal Gardner’s vehicle, she did the only thing she could to stop him – chucked her 1-year-old kid through an open window as he was driving it away.  She’s now awaiting charges of aggravated assault and endangering a child.

In equally stupid news, two robbers were arrested after calling ahead to a bank they were planning to rob. They asked cashier's for a bag of money to be readied for their arrival, rather like they were placing a pizza order. But 27-year-old Albert Bailey and an unidentified 16-year-old were cuffed when they actually turned up to collect. As police spokesman Sgt. James Perez said: “I would classify these individuals as ‘not too bright.”

Is this possibly the weirdest suicide attempt of all time? Or the worst anal injury excuse ever? A 62-year-old Chinese man who inserted a courgette up his anus, and was found bleeding and moaning in pain, claimed he was attempting suicide via an ancient method of taking one’s own life.

Yesterday’s Daily Demented included a story on the weaponisation of the world’s hottest chilli, the bhut jolokia. But an Indian woman has claimed a new world record after scoffing 51 of the small and spicy power bombs. She even smeared the seeds all over her eyes when she was finished – flaming hard as nails.

Meanwhile scientists in Japan have developed a robot baby to get citizens in the baby-making mood, as the country’s birth rates continues to fall. Only one problem – it looks absolutely terrifying.

Speaking of (hilarious) terror, this web-comic mash-up of Winnie The Pooh and Aliens is just that.

What did you think of today’s headlines? Got any of your own? Leave your comments below…