Five nominees and winners Bizarre reckons you should keep an eye on – one for each digit on your wanking hand. Check out Erotic-awards.co.uk for the complete roll of honour

CLAUDIA BELLOCQ
BEST BLOG – NOMINEE
Former prostitute Claudia’s recent post on over-60s sex got us thinking about a topic that’s rarely discussed seriously. Bizarre reckon we’ll be kinky crinklies who still desire pleasure and affection when we’re claiming our pensions. Should we be concerned about getting “carted off on our Zimmer frames for daring to fuck in our little (care home) rooms, because we weren’t supposed to want to and no-one knows how to accept it”? Ms Bellocq’s safety tips for pregnant and drug-addicted prostitutes provide shocking food for thought too.

IFEELMYSELF.COM
BEST WEBSITE – NOMINEE
Want to see what ‘artistically-shot porn’ really looks like? Then have a butchers at this Australian site, which presents stunning, tasteful films (that'll also turn you on like a neon light switch) of beautiful ladies making themselves smile all over via the art of masterful masturbation.

LADIES HIGH TEA PORNOGRAPHY SOCIETY
BEST INNOVATION – WINNER!
A women’s group who rendezvous to enjoy buttered scones, refreshing brews, and porn films. The themes of past gatherings include: Hello Hentai: Tentacles, Big Eyes, And Big, Big Breasts 
and Geek Pr0n – for which the damsels devoured shortbread and Earl Grey while feasting their eyes upon Abducted By The Daleks and Space Nuts, which features the character Princess Hubba Hubba and the tagline ‘In space, no-one can hear you cream.’

MINKY MIX
BEST STRIPTEASE ARTIST - WINNER!
Minky’s mother took the doomed anti-morning-sickness medicine Thalidomide while she was pregnant, which resulted in Miss Mix (see top right) being born with short arms. She’s found novel ways to strip in spite of the difficulty posed by her stunted limbs, as well as working to bag £20m in compensation for others affected by Thalidomide.

ACT ART
BEST CLUB/EVENT – WINNER!
Their underground performance art events are gloriously grisly, and usually involve people getting naked and doing obscene things with glitter, offal and spunk. Thumbs up (someone’s womb-hole)! Organisers Oliver Frost and Marc Massive have made a 13-minute porn film to promote their latest event on 9 July; it’s more warped than the stock of a record shop run by pyromaniacs.