£4.50 each, Cubicuk.com

Little wind-up androids that shake their booties and dance the robot. You’ll never get borg of ’em!

£74.99, Alchemygothic.com

Given yourself poorly peepers by spending late nights straining over your soldering iron, developing your patented copper clockwork Victorian-style laptop? Then this steampunk patch’ll be a sight 
for sore eyes.

£2.99 for 10, Sh-womenstore.com

Pink to make your puckered passion-hole wink. Perfect for role play and anti-allergy, so nothing swells up in a way it’s not supposed to.

£2.99 for three rolls, FindMeAGift.com

It’s a safari in your khasi! Ideal for wiping your ‘brown eye of the tiger’.

£3.50, Retrorebels.com

Funny. Snarf snarf.

£5.99 for 6, Postalcondoms.com

These dams (squares of super-thin latex for use during oral sex) are great for rimming if you don’t like to taste taint: place the dam over your lover’s asshole and lick through it – yummy! Or try using one as
 a vanilla-scented ‘handkerchief’ in the top pocket of your rubber jacket next time you're out at a fetish club.

Price on request, Myspace.com/jujak.headdress

With one of these feather-and-bone creations perched atop your bonce, you only ever need wear a bin bag to look breathtaking at any party. On your head, my son!

£20, Disturbiaclothing.co.uk

Yeah, we hate moo-cow-torturing, lard-trumpeting burger joints too. Until we’re drunk. Then Ronald is our best fwend.