£499, Iwantoneofthose.com

For added retro fun, simply remove the saddle.

Usually £17.95, but only £15 for Bizarre readers! Christophersimpson.com

As recommended by Bizarre’s resident Aped Crusader, Art Director Dave Kelsall. He's a monkey businessman!

£19.95, MoreTvicar.com

Le geek, c’est chic.

£6.95, Handpickedcollection.com

A combination padlock that uses letter codes instead of hard-to-remember numbers. Great for holiday luggage, securing your clothes after you’ve changed at a fetish club, or for performers keeping cases of expensive costumes backstage. Hint: ‘FUCK’, ‘COCK’, and ‘TITS’ are way too easy to guess.

From USD (£1.97) for six, Barcodeart.com

Mark yourself as someone’s property or encode data onto your skin with these tatts. The QR encrypted designs can be scanned with a camera phone to reveal a customised website address, phone number, or short message.

From USD.95 (£19.50), WeddingRingCoffin.com

Getting divorced? Closing the lid on a dead marriage? Bury your ring in this titchy casket.  Shame they don’t make bigger ones for your ex-spouse’s decapitated head.

USD5 (£121), Femmemetale.com

Sterling silver finger candy from one of Kat Von D and Nikki Sixx’s favourite ranges. Designed to leave an imprint reading ‘VICTIM’ in anything you punch….like wax letter seals, or fondant cupcake icing. Obv.

USD.99 (£4.55) for 25, Baconsalt.com

Send letters sealed with a meaty kiss – the lickable adhesive on these envelopes tastes just like a crispy rasher of piggy-wig.