Anyway, this is basically an idiot's guide to the film with a scene-by-scene breakdown of all the action. Plus, it was just an excuse for us to watch more porn. So here goes...
CLASSIC SCENE 1: INTRODUCing MISS JONES
"If you touch me, I can get off. We can get off together..." begs the breathy Miss Jones the first time we see her, which is quite horrible as Miss Jones is a grotty old bird who resembles a young Cher on smack.
Set to a dramatic piano score, she is barbling on about sex like a woman possessed. And to who? Some nutty guy cowering in the corner whose "beautiful ass" she wants to suck, that's who.
He starts ranting and God only knows what he's going on about, but after a bit of frantic masturbation by Miss Jones, the scene ends.
CLASSIC SCENE 2: DEATH IS JUST THE BEGINNING
Staring out the window looking miserable, Miss Jones decides to get naked and slather herself in face cream. Why? We don't know.
As she climbs in the bath, we see that Miss Jones is surprisingly pert and well toned for an 'older lady', and judging by the amount she rubs herself while having a soak, she must agree. All is going swimmingly until... she whips out a razorblade and slits her wrists. Oh dear.
While she's slumped in the bath, there's a weird alien-type noise that sounds like something out of The War Of The Worlds. Indeed, something out of the ordinary is afoot...
CLASSIC SCENE 3: HE LIVES IN A HOUSE, A VERY BIG HOUSE...
Miss Jones has gone for a job interview in a country manor, so it seems she survived. Cue the most wooden acting ever seen, from both her and the interviewer, Mr Abaca. Classic lines such as, "would you like a cigarette? They're quite excellent" have made stilted porn conversations what they are today.
Creepy Mr Abaca freaks out Miss Jones and she's ready to run for the hills but she's persuaded to stay and it comes to light that Miss Jones should've been sent to the "higher office". Mr Abaca has to break it to her that she's dead, and what's more she's in hell.
She takes the news well, but she's baffled about why she's in the underworld. Didn't she keep her knickers up and act like a good girl all her life? What's gone wrong? Ah yes, that's right, she took her own life, so she's buggered, quite literally.
"If only I'd done something, anything, to make all this worthwhile," she wails and requests to be sent back to commit every carnal act known to man.
"You?" Mr Abaca says, clearly horrified at the thought of releasing such a monstrosity back into the world, but after a bit of begging, he relents and lets her go. Before she goes he reminds her that 'he'll be watching'...
CLASSIC SCENE 4: TEACHER KNOWS BEST
Stumbling out of the bowels of hell, Miss Jones meets the man who will be her special teacher. Sent to take away all her inhibitions and armed with lines like "come closer, bring down your head", you know she's in capable hands.
In all the time it takes to say 'slut!', Miss Jones has been transformed into a brazen hussy. "Oh, there's not much to look at, is there?" she says jokingly to her teacher, to which he hastily agrees. At least he's honest and theirs will be a relationship based on strong foundations.
Failing that, it will at least be as strong as the muscles in her arse which are working hard to hold in the knobbly objects the teacher has wasted no time inserting. He sticks to his promise and the devil in Miss Jones has truly surfaced - she's slavering over his "big, beautiful cock" within seconds. After a few cheesy lines and smug looks from the teacher, Miss Jones feels ready to have her cherry popped, but is concerned about being "ripped apart". Regardless, he steams on in there and is greeted with a bloodcurdling scream.
Don't worry though, it's just Miss Jones adjusting to being fucked by "a big prick" (take that as you will). Her education is well underway.
CLASSIC SCENE 5: GREASE 'EM UP
Miss Jones is about to be treated to her first experience of lady lovin'. Her chosen partner has a Bridget Jones tan line, a forest of pubic hair and teeth like a horse, but that's good enough for Miss Jones. In fact, it's almost on a par with the horrifying underarm hair our heroine herself proudly sports.
Lots of groping and kissing ensues until Miss Jones gets too excited after having her arse bitten and collapses in a frenzy of sweat and hair.
After all that exertion, Miss Jones goes to have a bath, which is more successful than her last one. She sprays herself down with a hose and then turns round and shoves the hose up her arse.
As you do.
It's worth watching just to see the funny colour her face goes at the end of the scene.
CLASSIC SCENE 6: IN YER FACE
Back with her teacher, Miss Jones is doing what she does best (going "all the way down") until he finally explodes in her face.
Not content with just that, Miss Jones hoovers up his man juice and then gets a load more for her troubles. Look out for the bad overdub in this scene which doesn't sound remotely like either of them!
CLASSIC SCENE 7: FEELING FRUITY
Picking up an apple, Miss Jones starts tonguing it and rubbing it on her naked body. The same goes for some grapes and a banana, which all end up in the same place - her stomach, but only once she's stopped 'playing' with them.
Suddenly, the War Of The Worlds' noise returns, but it's not time for Miss Jones to be confined to the fiery pits of hell just yet. No, she has to feel a snake crawling up her naked, writhing belly to be truly bad.
Flicking her tongue at the snake doesn't get much of a reaction, but it is a snake after all. It's hard to tell who has the more reptilian skin out of the two, but don't let that distract you from Miss Jones toying with the poor animal by putting it in her mouth.
CLASSIC SCENE 8: THE THREESOMES
Miss Jones has finally "found contentment" and doesn't want to go to hell, so Mr Abaca gives her another challenge.
A badly cut scene shows two naked women (one is Miss Jones, the other has really dodgy eyeshadow, loads of fillings and massive eyes) fighting over some guy's dick. Expect lots of spit trails and snorting noises as the two women cram in as much cock as is humanly possible.
Next Miss Jones is with two men, who courteously fill her every orifice. The porn star with manners politely asks, "Can you put your prick further up my ass?" which the guy duly does, with rather messy results.
CLASSIC SCENE 9: TIME TO GO
Miss Jones has been transformed into a sultry, smoking vamp after her experiences. She still doesn't want to go to hell, understandably, but is reassured that it's "quite comfortable". Which is nice. She takes Abaca's hand and everything goes white...
CLASSIC SCENE 10: LIFE'S WHAT YOU MAKE IT
The whole of the story has looped round to the beginning of the movie - Miss Jones is back in hell with the mad guy. All she wants to do is "get off" but the guy isn't interested - is this her own personal hell, condemned not to get what she wants forever more? Who knows. And indeed, who cares?
*Next month: The infamous Tommy and Pammy home video
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