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| I’m not one of those on-command squirters. I’m a random squirter | |
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Just days before I spoke to internet superstar of sex Dana DeArmond, her house burned to the ground with all of her possessions while she was at the porn award show in Vegas. I was all ready to discuss how a sweet, wholesome-looking lass was able to become a world-renowned fuck-hero thanks to Myspace, and why she once said, “I think people need to get over their fear of fisting.” But after learning of her ordeal I didn’t want to discuss anything with her; I simply wanted to console her; to put her head on my shoulder and dress her up in my love, all over, all over her body, and let her know I was going to make everything OK, and if it took me 100,000 years I was going to personally travel the world and put out every fire so she never has to go through pain like this again. In the end she just thought I was some weird, sick fuck. Are you going to go back and film more porn on the burnt rubble?
What are you doing, lady?
I was just at the Red Cross. I got from them as I’ve lost everything I own in a fire. We’re not here to talk about my life tragedies, but it might be interesting, as my movie Dana DeArmond Does The Internet was filmed at my house and you can see it, pre-burned.
Heard any good house-fire jokes lately?
I was in Vegas and I said to my friend Chase Lisbon from Supercult.com, “Oh, my house burned down.” He asked if I was OK and I said, “Well, I’m in Vegas. So Viva Las Vegas!” And then he said, “Bright lights gonna set your soul, gonna set your soul on fire.” That was the only joke so far.
If you were there during the fire do you think you could have used your ability to squirt to put out the fire?
No, I’m not one of those on-command squirters. I’m a random squirter, and I have to be forced to do it, like someone sticking their finger in my vagina.
You don’t have control over your powers?
Well, I just don’t pee all over everything.
That’s too bad. Some super-squirters in porn could have reached your house in LA from Vegas.
Yeah, I could have gotten Flower Tucci to put out the fire! Flower Tucci, why weren’t you there to help me?
You should sue Flower Tucci.
No, Flower has had a lot of tragedy lately. Her brother was killed in a mini-motorbike accident a couple of months ago. I feel very badly for her. I got out of this safely. Everybody has tragedies but it’s hard in this business; people don’t really think of you as a human being as you spend so much time being fantasised about and objectified. And that’s all fine. I’m a pro-porn feminist.
You’re saying, for the record, you are in fact a human being?
Yeah. On the record, I am flesh and blood. If you prick me I do bleed.
You’re going to ruin the fantasy for so many people.
That’s not true. I’m all about realism and keeping it real and taking it to the street, dawg.
Are you in a gang, Dana DeArmond?
I have a gang tattoo for the Supercult Crew. It’s called Cult-Bangers and they’re all tattoos of boxers. When I told my mom about that tattoo she thought I meant like boxers, like the dog, because she’s so cute. And I have blacklight knuckle tattoos, people don’t know that. I’m like a ninja.
What colour bandana do you and your gang wear?
We wear scarves; hipster argyle and striped scarves.
It’s a very flamboyant set you roll with. You grew up in Orlando, home of Disneyworld. That seems rather trashy.
It’s not really; it’s a big suburban area.
I mean more tourist-trash.
Yeah, I grew up by University of Central Florida so it’s more a fraternity-ghetto situation. But the first job I had was at Disneyworld, as a dancer. I became a stripper after that. Before I worked at Disney I was a figure skater. Pornstar Sunny Lane was a figure skater and
we were in the same skating club.
Were youse guys enemies?
No! We were totally cool.
Did you have hot sex with your skates on?
No, we were, like, 12. I didn’t have lesbian sex until I was 20; I’m shy!
Whose side were you on, Tonya Harding or the other one? Nancy Kerrigan?
Nancy Kerrigan, America’s sweetheart. She got clubbed in the leg, poor thing.
You’re on her side? Really? Why?
Because she was cute.
Yeah, but Tonya made porn and plotted someone’s destruction. That’s awesome!
No, I’m really a cute and innocent person. I can sympathise with Nancy Kerrigan a bit more. Especially now my house burnt down. That’s like life clubbing you in the knee.
Do you blame the person who set the fire?
Yeah, I was in the Red Cross and said, “If you see that bitch who burned my house down with her candles you tell her she needs to stop drinking and get her life straight.” She ruined my life.
Let’s say I volunteered to go and club that lady’s knee that started the fire.
Oh my God! That’s so sweet.
Whose side would you be on then? Dana’s or the bitch who burned your house down?
Dana’s! Oh I see, you’re trying to get me on Tonya Harding’s side but I’m not a vengeful person and she’s just too white trash.
Or maybe she’s just American enough?
Girls that do that aren’t American. She’s what’s wrong with the world.
Nancy Kerrigan would be a lame fuck.
She’s too skinny. I wouldn’t want to see her naked.
What if she was way into S&M and getting fisted while she got her back cut with her ice skates?
That would be fucking awesome. I feel sorry for whoever has to transcribe this.
That’s me, with my fat, sausage fingers.
Aw, fatty! I should save you some Arby’s.
I’d wrap my fingers in the roast beef.
Like, wrap the thin slices of beef around your sausage fingers then suck it off.
Have I told you about my bacon fantasy?
Bacon goes with everything. It’s the new black. Bacon is the chocolate of meats.
Mmmm… bacon.
The vegans are gonna be all over me.
You’re not vegan, are you?
No, I’m not a vegan. I am straight-edge.
What made you get straight? Were you scared straight?
No, I drank a lot when I was younger.
Were you thirsty?
I was very thirsty for adventure. Then one day I was like, “I don’t even want to drink and I’m drinking right now,” and I felt that was wrong. So I quit, cold turkey. Some people call me Cold Turkey.
Gobble gobble.
I remember someone being like, “Tequila shots!” And I was like, “No, no, no. OK. I’ll just have, like, five.” After that I tried to fight someone for watching me table dance. I was like, “What the fuck are you looking at, motherfucker?” Not getting it through my head I was topless, in a thong, dancing on a table, squatting my ass on top of some guy’s face.
That doesn’t make it right for him to look.
Yeah, buy your own, fucker-face! You have no right to look.
Ever get so drunk you fell off a pole?
Yeah, when I first started dancing in Orlando the club had these weird tables with little ledges you could put your drink on but there was a gap between, so my heel, my stiletto, went in the gap and I fell backwards, ass-first into some guy’s face. I pretty much broke his face and my ass. He totally had a black eye. There’s an amazing thing in stripclubs, it’s called pity-dollars, that people give you. If you fall, throw up, someone steals your shit, then people feel bad and are like, “Here’s , sweetie. Don’t cry. Stop vomiting on me.”
You’re applying that philosophy to your burnt-down house?
I don’t want pity, but I could use some support. It’s going to take a long time to recoup everything. I lived there for four years and all my stuff was in there.
On your Myspace blog asking for help and donations there were a few pitiless pricks that slammed you for asking.
I have nothing to lose; I’ve lost it all, so I was like, “Fuck you. You’re a piece of shit. How dare you talk shit to me when my house burnt down?” And they’re like, “Well, you’re in porn – aren’t you rich?”
What do you think would garner more pity-dollars? Having lost your home in a fire or you naked puking in a stripclub?
Definitely my house burning down. That’s a legitimate tragedy.
Really? I think people are so fucked that a naked puker would get more money.
People have been really sweet and supportive and reached out to me. Buck Angel and his wife said I could go down and stay with them in Mexico. Being sober for three-and-a-half years I realise a stripper puking on themself is their fault; they’re a little idiot. And that’s fine. Everyone goes through their idiot stage. Sadly, the woman who burnt my house down is in her 30s and still in her idiot stage and burning my shit.
Can you sue her?
No, she’s total white trash, she doesn’t have anything. Maybe I can sue California for being crispy.
What are Joanna Angel sleepovers like? Non-stop lesbianism?
I actually don’t speak to Joanna Angel any more. I have all my sleepovers
with Reagan Maddox now. She’s my protégée, she was with me in Vegas when my house was burning down, and she’s my make-up artist. I love her.
What does the term ‘porn unicorn’ mean?
This guy Matt Cipov is an artist in Wisconsin and if you go to his website, Mattcipov.com, he called me a porn unicorn one day, and made this drawing for me. Sadly, it was lost in the fire. But the name kind of stuck and I took it as an analogy of me being so unique in this business. Aside from being totally magical, of course. But I’m really reclusive, I don’t go out and party, I’m sober, I’m pretty smart and shit. People are like, “You’re so different from all the others. I can’t believe you do porn.”
Would you ever do a scene with a dildo strapped to your forehead as a unicorn?
I’ve done it with a dildo strapped to my mouth like a gag before – that felt pretty unicorn-y. On my forehead would be so hard to coordinate, and I do well enough as it is making a fool of myself – I don’t really need to go out of my way.
You have the piece between your pussy and asshole pierced. Is that decorative?
My taint? Yeah, it’s decorative. People seem to be into it.
Does that piercing ever get dirty toilet paper caught on it?
You’re an ass. I’m actually pretty careful about it.
Well, I think I’ve asked all my questions.
We didn’t even talk about Dana DeArmond Does The Internet or Girls Lie, which is what you were supposed to call about.
I don’t want to give away the plots.
Well, they’re both ingenious and everyone will love them and I’m going to post footage of my house burning later, with me crying. If you get off to girls crying, which I’m sure you do, you sick fuck, then you’ll love it.
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