I’ve had my pussy electrified many times. And my asshole and my nipples. I’ve also been cattle prodded and they pretty much poke you everywhere with that.

I’m really sick and tired of this new wave of sassy, smart, tattooed porn stars making me fall in love with them. It’s really getting old. Month after month they seduce me with their funny stories and sexy mouths and I can’t take it anymore.

This month I found myself in a San Francisco hotel with a topless Lorelei Lee discussing electrocuting her vagina and fisting both her front and backsides to use her as mittens on cold winter days.

Why did you choose a tongue twister for your porn name?
It’s from a Marilyn Monroe movie, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.

Do gentlemen prefer blondes?
No. Sometimes. Some gentlemen.

What do they typically prefer?
Women. Just women in general. Some like men but the majority just like women. I don’t think the hair colour matters as much as other things.

Are you a natural blonde?
I am actually. This isn’t my natural hair color though. It’s out of a bottle.

Do the drapes match the throw rugs, as they say?
Mine is a little darker. It’s a little patchy too. I don’t usually have hair there. See look. [Shows me pubic hair.] I tried to grow a little Velcro strip but I don’t grow a lot of hair.

Why would you want a Velcro strip? So you could adhere to things?
I don’t know. Why do guys grow beards?

Let me ask you, do you think you look like Marilyn Monroe?
No, I’m just a huge fan of Marilyn Monroe, in general.

Do you have any conspiracy theories about her death?
I think her psychiatrist killed her with an enema of drugs.

I’ve done a lot of drugs and I’ve never done drugs by enema. Have you?
No. I may have had beer up my ass but not by enema. Just messing around. Sticking a bottle up my ass and bending over. But I don’t think it’s very safe. You can suction because the bottle is hollow inside and you can prolapse your rectum. Or it could just get stuck and then you’ll have to drill a hole in the bottle to get it out.

Have you ever gotten anything stuck or lost up your butt?
No. I was taught right by my momma. If you’re going to put anything up your butt, make sure it has a flange.

Aside from beer bottle, what else finds its way into your butt?
Mostly body parts. Penises. Fists.

Fists? You can fit a hand in your butt?
Yeah, it takes a little time but I can do it. I’ve put bananas up my ass but that was just me being silly.

Can you fit a hand in your vagina?
Yes. Although I’ve never put my own hand in my ass but I bet I could do it if I tried.

Would you say my hands could fit inside your ass and vagina?
I’m sure they could.

That being said, it gets very cold in New Jersey. Would you, for the right price, allow me to put one hand in your ass, one in your vagina on a cold winter’s day and use you as mittens?
For just one day? Sure. Absolutely. You’d have to wheel me around to be able to pull it off. You’d have to work out those arms to get them strong enough to carry me around all day.

What would be the cost to rent you as mittens?
Well, Dp is 00.

00 would cover an entire day of mittens? I just want to make sure I’m not incurring any additional costs by the hour.
No, 00 would cover the day. Then there are travel expenses and I couldn’t have any marks.

Well I don’t plan on punching or bruising your innards.
I was just thinking about walking around on my hands all day.
I can just see the reactions of the people as we walk through the supermarket with my hands in you.
Oh, people will love it. If your hand is inside of someone, do you know how to put lube in while your hand is in there? You cup your hand to form a little funnel.

Did you know there’s a female wrestler with the name Lorelei Lee? Is it you? Do you wrassle?
No, I mean, yes. Off camera. Recreationally. In the park. Usually I wear leg warmers and high heels. I got a black eye last year from wrestling in the park. It was a public event and I was drunk. Do you know who Princess Donna is? She’s the Webmaster for Wiredpussy.com, it’s a website where she electrocutes you. I’ve had my pussy electrified many times. And my asshole and my nipples. I’ve also been cattle prodded and they pretty much poke you everywhere with that.

This all seems perfectly normal for a girl your age. Can you explain to me what electrocuting your vagina feels like? Perhaps it may interest my wife.
Well, it can feel like a lot of different things depending on the level of the voltage of the electrocution.

Are any of those feelings good?
Some of them really are, especially if it’s an electrified dildo, then it just makes your muscles contract and that’s always good. There’s also some pretty sever levels as well and the cattle prod is not really as fun. It makes me cry. Princess Donna cattle prodded my asshole once.

That’s just a regular Tuesday for you, huh?
Yeah, I think it was a Tuesday. I brought her up because she’s the one I usually wrestle with.

Do you think you could beat the professional wrestler named Lorelei Lee?
I have a feeling she would kick my ass. I’m pretty tough but I don’t know. Can I wear my high heels?

Sure. You can wear everything or nothing.
If I was wearing high heels and she wasn’t, I’d be fine. I could just get on my knees or she could push me down and I could be kicking her in the face with my heels. Do they have rules against that?

What would happen if I pissed on your vagina as it was getting electrocuted?
I don’t know for sure but it would probably just electrify your piss. It’s not really a dangerous charge, so if it got wet it wouldn’t be lethal. Once they put the electrical charge in the bucket of water and the water is all electric but it feels kind of cool. It’s like physical therapy actually. It’s medically advantageous.

You volunteer your time at a sex workers clinic.
Yes, I have. I haven’t done it in a while. Most sex workers don’t have health insurance.

You would think their bosses would provide some sort of health care plan.
You would think but they don’t. They’re independent contractors. It’s a clinic that was set up because most women who are sex workers don’t tell their doctors what they do for a living and sometimes you have health concerns related to your job.

Such as? The mumps?
Yeah, exactly. That and the HIV. That’s a big one. On a different note, you know what’s funny? On the way to your hotel I was thinking, ‘maybe this guy invented all this, like you found some writer and you decided to pretend to be him just to meet me and rape me.’ I thought you were imitating yourself.

No one knows you’re here?
My roommate knows where I am. Usually my agent goes with me to strange settings like this. But yeah, I was a little nervous.

You make some of the greatest, cryingish exciting noises during sex. Where does that come from?
I think it’s ok even if I was crying and I have occasionally during the fetish and bondage stuff. I don’t really have a whole lot of control over it. It’s just my natural reaction. If you’re wondering if it’s connected to something deep-rooted like child molestation in my past, no. But when I was a teenager I lived with my boyfriend and his roommates called me Monkey Girl. It was awesome. I make a lot of noise when I’m fucking.

So you’re a writer too. Us both being writers if we had sex, would that be the nerdiest sex humanly possible?
One could only hope. We could have notebooks on the nightstands so we could each write descriptive paragraphs about each position. ‘Hold on, I need to reflect.’

If you like, we can try that out.
Maybe later.

I read you attend college. Is that porn college?
Do you know there’s actually something called Whore College in San Francisco? It’s not a real thing; it’s just a one-day event each year. I think last year they taught us how to kick an attacker in the neck. But I just went back to college. I’m studying writing. I’d like to get a degree.

If you’re so clever, why are you on your own tonight?
What do you mean?

I mean, if you’re so good looking…why are you on your own tonight?
You mean, why don’t I have a significant other? Well, I do. I have a gay boyfriend. We love each other but we don’t have sex. We share the domestic duties. We have sex with other people.

Do any of your classmates know what you do?
No. They might but they haven’t told me. But the first couple days back were funny because I kept sitting in the classroom and thinking about these porn movies we made with Steve Holmes as the teacher and waiting for my professor to take a ruler to measure my neck or pull out his penis.

What’s an acceptable way for a classmate that knows what you do to approach you?
They could just say, ‘Hi.’

So the offer of money isn’t the best approach?
Well, you can offer. Money is never a bad thing. If you had a camera and you wanted to make a movie we could have something to talk about. It’s 00 for vag, 00 for anal, 00 for DP.

Then how much to use you as mittens and to have sex with my wife?
On camera?

Of course. This is strictly on the up and up. I mean, you came to my hotel blindly. I must be somewhat reputable.
For your wife it’s 0 vag, 00 anal.

But don’t have a penis, how do we quantify that?
Well, usually when I have sex with a girl we have penetration. With toys. And fingers and such. I don’t have a penis but I have a lot to work with.

You’re saying you could make your arm disappear inside my wife for 0?
Yes, that is correct.

You were in a film called Addicted to Anal. Are you?
Was I? I guess I am. I’ve been going to 12-step meetings. The first thing you have to do is admit you have a problem and admit you are powerless over you addiction. I’m on step 4, making amends.

Who exactly do you have to apologize to? Did you apologize to your ass?
People that have been hurt by your addiction. So yes, I’m making amends to my ass right now. I’m sorry ass.

Did you apologize for shoving a beer bottle up your ass?
I think my ass liked that.

You were also in Gang Bang My Face. What is the plot of that film?
Well my friend, Annette, she’s my porno girlfriend, we do a lot of movies together. In that movie she orders me around in German and we squirt milk enemas onto each other’s faces and then some large men come in and shove their cocks down our throats and they gang bang our faces. The title really reveals a lot about the plot. It’s rather explanatory.

How many men make a gangbang?
This movie it was only four. I tend to think it should be more than that. I think a gangbang should be at least 10, right? I’ve never done ten at once, the most I’ve done is four. I really have wanted someone to book me for one but they really don’t shoot that many of them.

You know why? Because they’re gay. That many dicks in a room together with only one girl is gay.
But fun for me. I think I’d have a good time.

Would you do 100 men?
Can I start at 10? Because it seems like if you get to that point, how much time do you really have with each of them? I like to make at least a small connection. I’m not saying romance, I’m just saying I’d like to be able to devote a little bit of my attention to each of them. I think they should each get to fuck me. If there’s a hundred men they’re going to get two seconds apiece and how much full will that be for them? I get off on getting other people off.

Dana DeArmond said, “You can pretty much hit Lorelei in the face with a brick and she’ll come back for more.” What does that mean?
I think it’s pretty literal. It has to be in a scene, on camera. I don’t like to walk down the street and get hit by bricks but I have sought out some painful and extreme situations. Once I was encased in a wall around my midsection and my front and back were accessible and I had two doms, one on each side of me for about an hour. That was probably the most painful thing that I’ve ever done. They mostly caned me and flogged me. One had really long fingernails and she did a lot of scraping. This was also at the end of the day when I had already been pierced and we did something with fire and they were putting plastic bags over my head. So it was a long day to begin with.

God. I write for a half hour and I’m worn out.
It was a six-hour live show. At the end I had bruises that took a month to go away.

Why don’t you play your violin in any porn scenes?
Because I would play badly and it would be distracting and you wouldn’t be able to hear me. The violin takes a lot of concentration; it would be difficult for me. I’m sure someone has asked me to do it in a movie but I wouldn’t. I can’t do both at the same time.

Aside from electrocuting your vagina I saw on the Internet that you also use it to hang clothes pegs.
You were watching the Training of O. It’s just one of those things. I started out in bondage and fetish so it’s the majority of the stuff that I’ve done. It’s just another sensation, just like getting caned. Some people like deep thuddy pain like you get from a cane and some people like pinchy surface pain like you get from clothes pins. I like thuddy pain.

How many clothes pegs can you handle on your pussy?
I was tied up so I couldn’t see how many clothes pins there were attached.

Can we say 300?
You can say 300 if you like, It sounds good.

300 it is then.