I could never give anyone a handjob with my feet; it’d probably make the person vomit if they looked at my toes. I have some kind of weird fungus on my right foot. It affects the big toe the worst. The toenail on the big toe is greenish and petrified. Regular nail clippers can’t cut into it. Shit, house scissors don’t dent it either. I’m forced to use a toothy steak knife to cut it back. Sounds awful, right? It’s not. I can no longer feel that toe at all.

Once the knife slipped and I sliced my toe open. My immediate reaction was to, well, react, but then I took a breath and realised I didn’t feel it at all. I sat staring at the blood pouring from my toe, dripping into the toilet and darkening the water (do you clip your toes over the toilet? I do.)

And then I started to think that, if there was some way I could fight crime with only my big toe, that’d be pretty awesome and I’d make one hell of a superhero. Yeah, the toe bleeds and isn’t impervious to knife or bullet wounds, but it feels no pain, so I think criminals would freak-the-fuck-out at the sight of my bloody, bullet-ridden toe attacking them. I started to think I should get a mean face tattooed on my big toe. Then I woke up on the bathroom floor, my wife slapping my face. I guess I passed out from the blood loss and fell backwards and hit my head on the bathtub. At least, that’s what she tells me. It might just be that when my toe goes out to fight crime, the rest of my body blacks out.

I can tell you that the other four toes on that foot do feel pain. I learnt that the hard way. I was so sickened
by the morsel-sized green toenail on my pinkie toe, I decided to clip it off. When the scissors didn’t work I tried the steak knife but I couldn’t get a good angle on it. The next logical move? That’s right: pliers. I grabbed a set of needle-nose pliers from my tool bag and yanked that sonofabitch right out. Like I said... the other toes do feel pain. Tears ran down my face, blood again filled the toilet, but this time, so did my screams. I limped for a week. There was no crime fighting for those seven days, I can tell you.

If you’re curious about the origin of my big toe’s powers, and lack thereof for the rest of my foot, it’s a result of showering with men. Back in college I was a little more curious and adventurous... I mean – strike that. Back in college, the dorms had community showers. Filth and mould were everywhere but I had no choice, I had to shower. So I wore flip-flops – but even that wasn’t enough to ward off the radioactive fungus. So when I tell you that when I masturbated to this DVD I had no sexual thoughts in my head, you can believe me. I was masturbating out of envy towards Belladonna’s healthy toenails.