I have a secret: director/sexpot Kimberly Kane wants to have sex with me. She just hasn’t ponied up the nerve to say it. At least not verbally. Her eyes, her actions – they say it all. Recently, I was in Los Angeles and I filmed some quick videos of her answering some porny questions, and as she spoke I felt as if she was undressing me with her eyes. Right in front of my wife and dog. It was shameful.

I asked her to show how she administers a blowjob at home, to see if it varied from her on-screen blowjob. She looked at me and said, “Why don’t you unzip your pants and I’ll show you precisely how I do it.” I mean, not in those exact words. She merely said, “OK,” but I’m no dummy – I can read between the lines.

Then I asked her what fake porn jizz was made of and mentally I heard her say how much she wanted to taste mine. Did I mention we were at an outdoor restaurant at the time? It was a bit embarrassing. I know porn stars are sex-crazed maniacs but for the love of mercy, my wife was at the table!

A week later I showed my friend Jesse the videos and his reaction was: “Man, she wants to fuck you, huh? She made that quite clear.” I was like, “I know! Right?” Watch the videos. They’re on her blog, Blog.kanearmy.com. Search my name and tell me what you think.

After lunch that day we all went to Kimberly’s apartment and she straight up asked me if I wanted to see the bedroom. I didn’t want to be rude, so I accepted her nickel tour. She walked to the bedpost and clutched it like a thick cock. Then she said, “This is my bed,” then she mumbled something I couldn’t make out but sounded vaguely like, “I would totally fuck the shit out of you and your wife in this bed...” And then I swear I heard her say, in the voice of the Wicked Witch Of The West, “And your little dog too!” I was like, “Whoa! This chick is into some kinky stuff. “It did make me pity her pet lizard.

Back in the living room my wife asked how it was. “What does that mean?” I hissed, “I didn’t have sex with her!” I was worried that Kimberly’s advances had taken their toll on my wife and she was going to get naked and attack Kimberly (after Kimberly suddenly got naked without any prompting at all). I was nervous my wife would stab Kimberly. In her vagina. With two, no, three, of her fingers. The sexual tension in the air was unbearable. Each second trapped in my wife’s gaze was an eternity. Then she opened her mouth with a banshee’s scream. I braced myself. “The bedroom,” she said, “How was the bedroom?” “Nice,” I told her. “You know, typical bedroom.”