Whether you think he’s a drooling idiot or an evil genius, there’s no denying that Karl Pilkington is unspeakably funny. From his surreal musings in the The Ricky Gervais Show podcasts to his latest book, Karlology – a publication sure to be gracing toilet cisterns across the land come Christmas – Karl’s twisted views on life, the universe and everything are always bewildering and utterly bizarre. No surprise, considering his mother’s attitude to spiders...

Do you collect anything weird?

No. When I was a kid I collected badges for a bit – I had a bomber jacket covered in them. Now I can’t be doing with badges. This is what happens with me. I get really into something and then get bored of it. I haven’t worn a badge for about 29 years.

I got a sticker off a charity bloke the other day.The only reason I gave him money was because I’d just had a cheese and tomato butty, and the sauce had dropped out and stained my T-shirt. I gave 50p for the sticker and it covered the stain nicely. It’s not often you can give to charity and get something useful in return, is it?

Do you have any phobias?
I don’t like spiders. Me mam loves spiders and has them round the house, but I’ve never warmed to them. She has one that lives under the telly. They’ve had it for quite a few years. Me dad was going to kill it, but me mam put some Tipp-Ex on its head so she could look out for it every day.

It was hard to see against the dark carpet, but the Tipp-Ex helped it stand out. I don’t like sloths either, but that isn’t too much of a problem living in London.

Have you ever seen a ghost?
I used to talk to one when I was five years old. We were on holiday in Padstow in Cornwall, and were staying in this flat above a chemist. Me mam tells me I used to say, “I’m going to bed to talk to Mrs Battersby.” I suppose ghosts might haunt chemists – it’s probably the last place they rush to get medicine to make themselves better before they die.

The thing that’s odd about ghost sightings is no-one ever sees a black one – it’s always an old ghost from Tudor times carrying its own head.

What’s the closest you’ve come to death?
I choke a lot. I put it down to having quite weak teeth. The dentist is always filling holes and putting stuff in them, so I try to use them less. But this means trying to swallow things that are too big for my throat, which is why I choke.

What’s the biggest animal you’ve killed?
I don’t like killing anything. I even tried to save a little fruit fly whose wings were stuck together with paint after it landed on the window ledge I was painting.

I stood on a shrew once by accident. It felt horrible. I often wonder if it was dead already – you’d think it would have moved when it heard me. I suppose it could’ve been a deaf shrew. In which case it may have been committing suicide.

What’s the oddest thing you’ve ever eaten?
I ate one of them oysters the other day for the first time in my life. I won’t be having another. Someone told me that if I’d eaten four in a row I’d have developed a taste for them, but I don’t think it’s worth it. Food should look nice. I think that’s why Nature puts a pearl inside the odd oyster; to give us a reason to want to open them.

Do you think aliens exist? Ever seen a UFO?
I think they must. The universe is huge, so it can’t just be us pottering about, can it? But I guess they won’t be spotted as much these days as they can probably go faster than they could in the 1970s, just like our cars can.

Were you a strange child?
I think I was pretty normal. The people who lived around us were weird, though. The weirdest was Miss Piggy. She was a big woman who lived on the estate and rode about on a three-wheeled bike with her husband sat in the basket on the back. She was always in Kwik Save, sitting in the aisle eating biscuits she hadn’t paid for, but the shop people were too scared to tell her off. She only chatted to people via a hand mirror she carried with her. I’ll never forget her.

If you started your own cult, what would the rules be? Would there be any rituals?
I was stopped by a Hare Krishna once who offered me a plum to entice me to talk to him. I think I’d offer something better than a plum – maybe a box of Celebrations. Then again, I don’t think I’d be out on the streets asking people to join my cult, as that makes it seem like you’re desperate.

I’d make it feel more exclusive. I’d have some sort of loyalty card; everyone likes them at the moment, don’t they? The main meeting wouldn’t be on a Sunday because most people like a lie-in on Sundays these days, so I’d probably do something on a Tuesday night.

If you could have a magic power, what would you choose, and why?
I’ve always thought superpowers are a hassle. The people who have them are never happy – just look at the Hulk. I think invisibility is the worst. It’d be depressing and hard to get anything done. I think it’s more of a disability. There’s a fish that’s see-through as well as blind. That’s no existence, is it? If you can’t see and no one can see you, what’s the point?

If you had to have sex with an animal, what would you choose and why?
I wouldn’t want to choose. I’d prefer it if it was all prearranged and I just turned up for the date. If the animal knew I’d chosen them, they’d have the upper hand and be all cocky.

When did you lose the most blood or bend a limb in a hideous direction?

When I had my kidney stones removed. The doctor gave me three choices – he said he could remove them by laser, or by cutting through my skin, or by inserting a tube up my nob. I asked for laser, but they said the laser people were too busy. which didn’t surprise me considering the options. He didn’t want to cut my skin as there’s a threat of infection, so I had to go for the tube up the nob. I had no choice. After the op, every time I had a pee it looked like I was a red arrow.

Necrophilia, coprophilia, or bestiality?
I don’t know what these are. I’m not going to bother looking them up on the internet either, as my brain might get into them. If I don’t know something exists, it can’t crave it. Sometimes it’s best not knowing stuff.

SHAMELESS PLUG!
Karlology by Karl Pilkington is out on 1 October, published by Dorling Kindersley. Hear podcasts with Karl, Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant on iTunes