The Welsh boys from the Valleys always seemed like such lovely young men. But we know differently. Hidden behind those emo fringes, sensible hoodies and twinkling eyes is a strange world of cult initiations and eye-watering tour tales. We asked lead singer Matt to take us inside...

Do you collect anything weird?
I collect comics, but I don’t think that’s particularly weird these days. There was one strange American comic I had called Girls. It was a science fiction thing about these long-haired brunette girls who hatched from eggs, took over a town and killed all the women! It was strange but interesting – almost a flip side of a zombie flick. We don’t get anything like that in Wales. Sometimes I wish we did.

What’s the strangest thing a fan’s ever done to you?
Darren (Smith, FFAF guitarist) once had a stalker, who’d send him letters
and random things. She sent him a stuffed giraffe and she’d fashioned its hair to look like his. She wrote a letter about how much she loved the band, stuff she’d gone through involving gallstones, and how some friends of hers did something really bad to her...

What’s the closest you’ve come to death?
A couple of years ago I had an abscess in my throat and I almost choked in my sleep. My breathing was shallow, so I went to hospital to have the abscess removed. When I came round, I realised life was too short. You’ve got to make the most of what you’ve got, until your time on this little ball of wax fucking ends.

What’s the biggest animal you’ve killed?
I don’t think I’ve killed one with my bare hands, but I accidentally ran over a dog once. I think it hobbled away. Gareth, our old bass player, was once driving us through some back lanes and he killed a pheasant that wandered into the road. Feathers flew everywhere, and that upset me slightly. I like animals far too much – they’re so cute! But I wouldn’t mind putting my boot into a spider.

What’s the oddest thing you’ve eaten?
We had raw eel in Japan once, and it was fucking disgusting. And salmon eggs. The salmon eggs tasted like salty balls, and they popped in my mouth like bubbles. The eels were so thick and mushy they just made me want to throw up – my gag reflex constantly came into play. It wasn’t very nice at all.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve put in your mouth?
Apart from those eels? Tipp-Ex. The things you do in Wales when you’re a kid! I threw it right back up, and it was absolutely disgusting – it tasted all metallic and chemical. The sick was white and it made my tongue white for two days. My mum gave me an absolute bollocking for being so stupid.

Do you think aliens exist?
Yes, and they live in the arse of our bass player, Gavin! That’s the way we introduce new members into the band. We put tapeworms up them, and if they survive a week, they become a fully fledged member. We all went through it. Some liked it more than others, but it’s definitely an experience that stays with you for the rest of your life. The universe is so big, it’s hard not to imagine that other forms of life are out there.

Were you a strange child?
I used to spend a lot of time on my own, so my imagination used to run riot.
I never used to mind playing with myself – and I still don’t! I used be Luke Skywalker, Indiana Jones, James Bond, various members of Action Force, and a Transformer, all in the space of a week. There was a forest behind where I lived and I used to go rambling and live off the fat of the land for three hours or so before I went home. I ate things I shouldn’t have, which gave me the shits.

If you started your own cult, what would the rules be?
It would be called the Cult Of Gavin – he’s a lone traveller from a distant
galaxy. The initiation would involve having tapeworms for a week, then dressing up in a green sleeveless T-shirt and yellow hot pants, while wearing a curly Kevin Keegan wig. You’d put a little collar on one of your worms and take it for a walk around the park, and teach it to play fetch.

If you could have a magic power, what would you choose?
Mind control. I’d make people believe that I was awesome all the time. And I’d have a magic power to make all farts smell like roses, so women wouldn’t feel as bad about farting. It might be a rare occurrence, women farting – once in every alignment of the moon – but it does happen.

Have you ever lost a lot of blood?
Yeah, from my throat. I coughed up quite a bit because of my abscess – almost enough to fill a sink. I had a needle put down my throat to drain the sore.

Necrophilia, coprophilia, or bestiality?
Oh God... um, necrophilia. It might be a good-looking corpse, which is better than a good-looking animal. I’ve never done it before, so I’d have to go online to a necrophilia club for advice. I’d go to a morgue, have a coffee, and be patient.

Have you ever seen any quirky genitalia?
I’ve seen a big penis on a guy in another band, and he wasn’t shy about showing it off – we were on tour and it was almost like a party trick, to make other people feel insignificant. He dropped it into a pint glass and it touched the bottom – and that wasn’t even while it was at full command!

If you had to have sex with an animal, which would you choose?
A Tasmanian devil, because I’ve actually experienced one at close range – but not in that way! We saw one when we first went to Australia, and it chased around one of the band members. Apparently, they’ve got jaws strong enough to crush a human skull. So it’s the element of danger that appeals to me!

I’m torn between whether I’d rather have the thrill of having sex with an actual Tasmanian devil, or have the safety of Taz, the cartoon version. Taz seems softer in the head, therefore easier to lull into a false sense of security before you bugger it senseless. Oh God! This is darkness. You’ve learnt more about me than anybody in the world!



Funeral For A Friend’s new album, Memory And Humanity,
is out now on Join Us