When Bizarre announced online that we were interviewing legendary Brit comic character Tank Girl and asked you to submit your questions, the response was bigger than Jesus. We wanted to pass on as many enquiries as we could to the gal herself – who used to undertake missions for a secret organisation before being fired after a gargantuan gaffe and declared an outlaw for her substance-abusing, kangaroo-bonking ways.

A quickfire Q&A was the only way to squeeze in everything you wanted to ask, so we strapped on our rapid-reload query-bazooka launchers and prepared to give Tank Girl the third degree without getting third degree burns…

ROUND ONE READER QUESTIONS. POW POW POW!
Lex: How do you do your hair?

Half a pot of Brylcreem, a dab of pomade, a can of lighter fluid, and a box of matches.

Necromag: Lori Petty played you in the 1995 Tank Girl movie. Do you think she did you justice?
The real question is did the movie do justice to Lori Petty?

Doktor Mogadishu – Thought Criminal: Are your boobs real – or real expensive?
All my mistakes are costly.

American Bastard aka Dr. 952, PhD: What are your thoughts on Madge?

Madonna? She was the virgin mother of Our Lord Jesus Christ. So quite cool.

Sarah Richards: What would you do if you discovered an endangered animal that only ate endangered plants?

Shoot both of them, then call David Attenborough.

Snowdred: In one Tank Girl strip, you fight a mod band who are hypnotising you with their shit music. How would you fight what in my opinion is today’s shit music: emo?
That wasn’t actually me – that happened in someone else’s bad dream. I actually rather like mod music, especially the late 1970s revival stuff. Who’s Emo? Is he on The Muppet Show?

.::NEKRO TEKNIK::.: Your boyfriend is a kangaroo called Booga. How big is a ‘roo’s cock?
How long is a piece of string?

T_Edward_Devilish: Will you audition for the new Jade Goody musical?I don’t really know who Jade Goody is. I would, however, audition for a jaded musical version of The Goodies.

StormySan: If you could make just one single modification to your tank, what would it be?
Your head under its tracks.

RELOAD! ROUND TWO BIZARRE CLASSIC QUESTIONS. BOOM!

Do you collect anything weird?
Whenever I go round to someone’s house and they’ve got pictures in clip frames, I like to steal a couple of clips off of each one. It confuses the hell out of people. I’ve got a big box of them in the tank.

Do you have any phobias?
I have an irrational fear of old ladies with no teeth.

What does your orgasm face look like?
An old lady with no teeth.

Do you think aliens exist? Have you ever seen a UFO?
I damaged myself rather spectacularly with LSD a while back, so these days I see more UFOs than I see ordinary cars.

Were you a strange child?
If you would call sewing a school badge straight onto my chest strange, then yes.

What’s the biggest animal you’ve killed?
A rather large hamster.

What’s the oddest thing you’ve eaten?
Grilled hamster.

Do you have a crush on anyone most people would think was gross?
David Schwimmer. Although most people think he’s Ross.

What’s the closest you’ve ever come to death?
About 12 inches. When the bad kid at school tried to stab me with a ruler.

What’s the strangest thing a fan has ever said to you?
“I AM Tank Girl!”. They say that to me all the time. I mean, what the fuck?! It’s like me going up to the Prime Minister and saying, “I AM David Brown,” or whatever his fucking name is.

Have you ever encountered a quirky penis or vagina? What made it unique?
The original Tank Girl artist, Jamie Hewlett, has a wang that’s shaped like a hammer.

What’s your favourite treat, and your most impressive trick?
The answer to both those questions is being able to touch my bum-hole with the tip of my nose.

If you started your own cult, what would the rules be?
Up at the crack of dawn, fish and chips for breakfast, dinner and tea, no smoking outside, and two hours of daily worship in front of my framed pair of Ringo Starr’s Y-fronts.

If you could have a magic power, what would you choose, and why?
The ability to make really good cheese on toast, because I’m really shit at it.

If you had to have sex with an animal, what would you choose and why?
A kangaroo. Because my boyfriend is a kangaroo. Duh.

Tell us a joke.
A guy goes into a pub, and he’s got a huge, sloppy, steaming dog turd in the palm of his hand. He goes up to the barman and says, “Look what I almost trod in!”

If you absolutely had to choose, would you opt for necrophilia, coprophilia, or bestiality?
I’d like to take all three at once – it’s always been an ambition of mine to shag a great big, dead, steaming elephant poo.Alix Fox

SHAMELESS PLUG! The excellent publication Tank Girl 3: Remastered  is released on 24 July through Titan Books, £10.99. Wank over Tank at Tank-girl.com