Simon Cowell said to us, ‘Everything that’s wrong in the world is right here. People don’t like you,’” grins Samppa Von Cyborg, body modification artist and leader of London-based performance group Psycho Cyborgs, as he recalls a recent meeting with the insidious, shit-foisting mogul on TV show Britain’s Got Talent. “So I said, ‘People don’t like us? Have you read you read your own press cuttings recently?’ Fucking idiot…”

The appearance of the world’s most extreme freak show on a prime time programme usually associated with break-dancing children or fame-hungry desperados and their dancing dogs was certainly an odd one. But, intrigued by the group’s reputation, the show’s producers fast-tracked these suspension artists and pain-lovers straight onto the stage without any auditions. Even then it took 10 persistent phone calls to persuade Samppa and his cohorts they were serious.

And it’s easy to see why. With their array of stunts involving screws, needles, hooks, drills, electrical currents, breasts skewered with metal spikes, eyes being stitched closed, nails hammered through body parts, suspensions and much blood flow – all set to an intense noise soundtrack – they couldn’t be less suited to Saturday night family entertainment.

Yet what was just another day at the office for the Cyborgs proved too much for Simon and co, who freaked out and censored their performance to the most basic tricks.

“The whole thing was so silly,” laughs Samppa, flashing his full set of metal gnashers. “Ant and fucking Dec interviewed us backstage. They said that the Queen watches the show and asked me whether I thought she’d like our act. I said that I really didn’t give a fucking shit whether she liked it or not. We weren’t there for her amusement.”

A month later and Samppa and his fellow Cyborgs Iestyn, a Soho-based scarification artist, and Bing, who works in adult television, are gathered by Bizarre to discuss the origins of the Cyborgs. Only the fourth member, Ala, is absent.

If their biography is to be believed, this cyber punk collective hail from Planet Future. In their world, “the evil capitalist government of ‘Future’ was overthrown in a fierce battle years ago by the radical new government of today. The Cyborg Army of the old regime was re-programmed to spread amongst the home world the New Vision.”

The reality is slightly more plausible, though no less colourful. The Psycho Cyborgs formed in the summer of 2005 after Samppa left his native Finland for London following a stint in prison for dealing drugs. He arrived in the capital with few possessions and spent three months sofa-surfing.

Already an established tattoo artist and recognised worldwide as a pioneer of a number of body modification techniques – most notably the Mad Max bar surface piercing – Samppa formed the Psycho Cyborgs with friend and body mod icon, Baawo Bee.

“Britain is full of pussies, so it was hard at first finding truly hardcore people,” explains Samppa. “Early on I used to do a lot of the hardcore stuff myself, but now I tend to do more tricks on people. My role in the Cyborgs is more theatrical these days. I’m like the evil ringmaster.”

The earliest incarnation of the Cyborgs featured seven members, with the goal of making the audience feel they were watching a brutal horror film – only played out for real on stage, literally in the flesh.

But when some of the female Cyborgs found themselves passing out from the pain of having their tits skewered, they were asked to leave the troupe. “It was tough because when one of the female performers passed out, I’d get the blame,” frowns Samppa. “Seeing something like that, people thought I was somehow forcing an innocent girl to do all these nasty things. And it really wasn’t the case. It’s just that everyone handles pain differently.”

When Baawo Bee left, the Psycho Cyborgs downsized to the core group you see today. “Baawo and I had a few disagreements, though we’re back to being good friends now,” says Samppa. “One problem was that we had this machine for one of our stunts which sends an electrical current into the body. Baawo assured me it was fine and spent a week playing with it. But he ended up getting an irregular heartbeat and he understandably got quite paranoid about performances after that. He left to join another freak show.”

WORLD OF PAIN
The new-look Cyborgs’ reputation quickly spread throughout the fetish and body modification scenes, and bookings came in from far and wide – from Tokyo to Moscow to Berlin, and in front of 8,000 people at the Download Festival.

“We were the only act who didn’t have bottles thrown at us,” says Iestyn, who joined the Cyborgs in 2006. “It probably seemed a bit futile throwing things at us of all people. I think we must have scared them.”

They were also a support act for Ginger And The Sonic Circus, the side project from The Wildhearts frontman Ginger.

“We were banned from every fucking Carling Academy venue on that tour before we’d even performed,” says Samppa. “Our reputation preceded us. Everywhere else in the world has been fine about our act; it’s only when we’re in Britain that we have problems. The laws are strict here, especially recently with these new bullshit pornography laws that forbid the showing of force or any suggestion of pain.

So even though our show has nothing to do with pornography, the threat of being sued is always a possibility. If an audience member got a hard-on, we could get sued. If that happened we’d take it to the European Court Of Human Rights – because this is art we’re doing. Not fine art, but art all the same. That’s why we perform abroad so much – because this country sucks so bad.”

The extreme show definitely gets extreme reactions. “In this scene there’s a sideshow element to a lot of other performances that you see – almost comical elements,” says Iestyn. “But our show is intense. We have lights, music, smoke and our tricks are 10 times more hardcore than any other freak show out there; it fucks with people’s heads. We can play at a biker festival and see the biggest, hardest looking biker collapsing in the front row.”

Samppa beams. “It’s like a real-life splatter movie,” he says. “Pretty much every show we do someone in the crowd passes out, and that’s really the best feedback we can get. It’s kind of become our trademark.”

MAD PROPS
Sitting around sipping their cups of tea, it’s hard to imagine the Cyborgs are capable of inflicting pain upon anyone. But as the Bizarre photoshoot gets underway, things take a darker turn and the mood in the room changes. Out come the spikes, the needles and the wires. One minute Ala is having a cigarette break, the next she’s being lifted by a spike shoved sideways through her breasts, rivulets of blood running down her body and onto the floor.

And that’s just the warm-up: Samppa threads a needle and stitches one of her eyes closed, then for a finale a lightbulb is jammed into Bing’s mouth so that the electrified metal skewer through his cheeks completes a circuit and lights up the bulb. It’s an impressive sight. In fact, every living room could benefit from a Bing in the corner.

As if this wasn’t enough, the Cyborgs are planning even more tricks for the future. “We’re working on some new props, including a robotic drill,” says Samppa. “Bing has also bought a wheelchair and a new angle grinder from China which we’ll be using.” Bing explains the wheelchair will be remote controlled so they’ll “be able to control Samppa with the push of a button”.

Aside from their dalliance with Simon Cowell, the Cyborgs will soon take their extreme freak show to Tokyo, France and Eastern Europe, and they’re also working on a book. That’ll happen when Samppa isn’t piercing – he’s just returned from a working trip to Japan – touring with his Finnish friends Hanoi Rocks, or forming a psychobilly band.

If it sounds like the Cyborgs take a sadistic pleasure in crowd reactions, then you’d be right. But what may look like blood-splattered mayhem on stage is actually a carefully controlled and well-rehearsed performance. “This is serious stuff,” agrees Iestyn. “We can’t mess about because in a strange way it’s a job for us, and we want to do our job well.”

And they don’t get imitators. “They’re more like followers,” says Samppa. “We go to places like Russia and there are a lot of crazy fans out there, people who might want to have a go themselves. But what we do is so hardcore it’s a serious risk to try and copy it.

Our tricks are based in a knowledge of surgery and years of practicing body modification. Without that knowledge you’ll fail.” You’ve been warned: don’t try this at home, people.