Self-Portrait Doll
£123, Be-a-doll.com
Have a ‘Mini Me’ action figure made of yourself! We got one done for Bizarre art director Dave Kelsall, but he insisted on pulling kooky cross-eyed faces in the photos we sent to the sculptor, so his doll looks 82 per cent Dave, 18 per cent Sloth from The Goonies. “Hey, You Guuuys!”

Metallica Lullaby CD
£12.95, Prezzybox.com

The sky is beginning to ‘Fade To Black’, but getting your baby to sleep is like ‘Pulling Teeth’. Stick on this CD of Metallica tracks played on bells and harps, and ta-da! ‘Enter Sandman’.

NODDING OFF-ER!
Enter the code BIZARRE at the checkout to get £5 off orders over £20 until 1 June!

Knuckleduster Mug

£11.99

Thabto.co.uk

When it’s brass monkeys outside you’ll be glad of a warming brew from this cup, with its handle shaped like brass knuckles. Alternatively, you could fill it with punch

CUPPAS FOR COPPERS!
Enter the code BIZARRE at the checkout to get 10 per cent off your order!

Kate Bush T-shirt

£19.99,

Saltyrockz.com

The Mighty Bush was years ahead
of her time. If only she’d been US
president instead of that other Bush,
the last eight years could have been
more ‘Wuthering Heights’ and less
 ‘blathering shite’.

Ben Westwood

Lunch Box

£24.99, Benwestwoodlunchboxes.com

A saucy sarnie holder decorated  with sordid snaps by designer Vivienne’s erotic photographer son. Bizarre suggests you pack a couple of phallic veggies and a nicely tossed salad.

Barbed Wire Leather Rose

£24.95, Englishleatherrose.com

Got a fetish for the aroma of leather, but find it hard to explain why you keep getting caught sniffing driving gloves in Halfords? It’s totally acceptable to smell flowers,
so buy this cow-skin rose and inhale away. Just be careful with those spikes.

God Lager

£1.49, Waitrose.com

This divine dark Swedish beer is the perfect tipple for hungover dyslexics who need “hair
of the god”. When they remember that, after downing seven of these the night before, they dry-humped a bollard, then pissed in the fridge, remind them God works in mysterious ways.