At first we wanted some ‘Extra Large Curvy Sexy Lady Breasts’, because our brain read their name in the voice of Father Ted, but we ended up with a pair of ‘Bouncing Breasts In A Bra (Large)’ because they were easier to put on and we were in a hurry to get out of there.

Sadly, they hampered the experiment. While they were described as “a beautiful feminine black lacy bra with pre-filled cups… with specially weighted infill that gives the realistic feel, appearance and movement of real feminine bouncing breasts”, they actually felt and looked like two beanbags in a sling stapled to my back. And they itched, which, I guess, real breasts won’t do unless you have an unrelated dermatological condition.

When we were out and about with our boobs we learned the following:

1. Men will stare at any breasts; even those on a 6ft man with three days of unruly stubble

2. Most women will give a man wearing fake boobs a look that says, “Grow up, you stupid, sad man”

3. Women don’t ever lick their own nipples and by doing so I spoiled the authenticity of the experiment

4. Young people are less sympathetic than adults and will howl “He’s got tits!” at you in the street

5. The novelty wears off quickly, and having gynaecomastia and not being able to take them off must be hell