would I shag a dead Felicity Kendal? I'd certainly give it a go if she was still warm

What's the weirdest animal you've ever ridden?

An obese pony, at a deprived-children's holiday.

Was it a good ride?

No, it kept stopping to eat, so I was just left behind. I think it was a case of match the fat lad with the fat horse, and it just made for
a very miserable day.

Have you ever been obsessed with anyone?

Yeah, Obi-Wan Kenobi. And there's a folk singer called Dar Williams, who came to Britain and I had to try not to stalk her. She was doing a gig and I'd learnt all the lyrics and sat in the front row and mouthed them to her, hoped she'd fall for me. And I was obsessed with Johnny Depp after working with him, but he didn't return my calls. I believed everything in the press that we'd become firm friends.He didn't feel the same. No, he turned his back on me. He used me. Like they all do.

Have you ever had a relationship with a fan?

Briefly.

Would you like to tell me about it?

No, because I would hate to reactivate the madness in them. It started off quite normal, and I suddenly realised it wasn't, so I ran away. Hid in America for five weeks.

Have you got any fetishes?

Spectacles. Specs just do it for me every time. I've come to accept it, and I've admitted it. The sterner the better. The librarian-type thing, it's authoritative, and it just does something for me.

What's the most depraved sexual thing you've ever done?

I'm not gonna answer that one. On the grounds that it might incriminate me. And I don't know where the law stands on
a thumb up your arse. Which I'm not admitting I've done.

Have you ever had any recurring dreams?

Yeah, I used to have a recurring dream about flying. I was quite good at it. I always have chase dreams. I had loads that I was being chased by a T-Rex. And I had loads that I was being chased by The Terminator. And I used to also have a recurring dream that I was being chased by rabbits. You know when you can't scream in a dream? And I can never fight, I can't lift my arms up, it's really wank.

Do you believe in the existence of aliens?

Yeah I do. It's that arrogance of us thinking we're the only things in the universe. It's just sad that all the people who have spotted them seem to be not quite the most trustworthy fellows, they have a tendency to be beer drinkers in pick-up trucks. They aren't helping the alien cause much.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

I haven't seen one, but I've witnessed one, I've got one in my house. It's a presence, I felt it when I moved in. A girl I was going out with at the time saw it. She crapped herself when she found out. She thought I'd come back from the pub with a few mates, but I was still out when it happened. It woke her up and it was going "Are you OK?" and she was going "Yeah", and it said "Are you sure, are you alright?" And she was like "Yeah, fine." She wasn't scared at the time but once she found out what it was she refused to go to the bathroom, she spent the entire Christmas weeing in a bucket. I've never actually seen it in its spectral form. I know it sounds a bit loony, but yeah.

Have you ever regretted doing anything onstage?

Yeah, wound up a Marilyn Manson fan. To the point where she got really upset and promised to write to him and have me killed.

What had you said?

That it was just a load of sixth-form wank, and he was appealing to the weak-minded fools like herself. And that he was about as scary as diarrhoea. So yeah, but it wasn't regret, it was fear.

What's the most violent thing you've ever done?

Fighting. Smacking a lad's head into the wall, a few years back. He'd done some damage to my front door, so... Again, I'm not going to go into it. Sorry about this, but I'm not. But yeah, that flash of anger. And I did kick fuck out of me bike once. I'm not very good with inanimate objects - when I can't mend them I tend to go a bit beserk. I've destroyed a PlayStation. You know when there's that madness when you've been playing too long and you think it's mocking you. And I put the window through on a JCB once, just to prove I could. We were young and feckless.

Did you have an imaginary friend when you were young?

No. I wasn't that bright. It took far too much effort.

What's the weirdest animal you've eaten?

I nearly had veal's brain, but I was a bit delicate. I've had ostrich, ostrich burgers, I've had snake, I'd like to try alligator, I've heard it's quite good. I've ate me own rabbit.

How did that happen?

Well, me dad said, "Whose rabbit's goin' in pot?" and I thought he was jokin' so I said, "Mine!" And when I went home he'd skinned it. It was hangin' up in the back yard. But he saved me the paws and ears in a bag, and I took them to school with me. Teacher took 'em off me because it started to smell.

If you had a gun to your head: Necrophilia, bestiality or coprophilia?

Ooooooooooh, fuckin' hell. Well, I don't know, cos I've just watched that film Oldboy. I think I'd just try to get the gun off them. OK, if I had to, I'd hope that somebody like Felicity Kendal had just passed over, and was still a bit warm. If I could be there at the point of death then maybe I'd go with the necrophilia. There's a woman that's just walked past the car and I'm going, "If I had to I'd go with necrophilia..." My reputation here is just now completely shattered.

Because you fancy Felicity Kendal?

Well, you know, somebody who lived a good life. I didn't mean that! I didn't mean that pun! I meant, I wouldn't want anybody dying young just so I could have sex with them to save me own life, so somebody who's aged well. So Felicity Kendal. She still does it doesn't she, ooh, she's still got it.

I haven't seen her recently.

Oh, she's stunning. I doubt we're gonna become friends when she finds out I wanna shag her dead.

I don't think she's a regular reader.

Johnny's cannabis sitcom Ideal is out now on BBC DVD