Don't talk to me like I'm a child...you're an interviewer - interview me. Talk to me with respect

What's the biggest animal you've ever killed?

I haven't.

*Are you a pacifist? Would you kill a fly?

A housefly I would kill.

*And that's as big as you'd get?

I don't kill things.

*Is that a pacifist decision? I mean, if you were in a situation where you had to kill a sheep to survive, would you? Or would you rather die?

Starve to death? Are you asking me if I'd kill something to eat it?

*Yes. Or would that be morally wrong?

If the options were my life or the sheep's life, what would you do? I'm a normal guy. I'd do exactly what you'd do.

*I think I'd probably kill the sheep.

That's usually the first instinct of the human being, isn't it?

*To kill sheep?

To survive.

*If the sheep had a family and I was depriving them, perhaps it would be wrong.

When you come to that situation, tell me about it.

*I'll be sure to text you. What's the weirdest animal you've ever ridden?

It wasn't weird. The question doesn't make sense because the animal wasn't weird. It was just an animal.

*What was the animal?

A horse.

*You're right, that's not very weird. But some people have ridden big tortoises, others have ridden dogs when they were younger.

I only had rats as a kid.

*You had rats as a kid?

We had to race rats, and we couldn't ride those because they were a little too small.

*Unless it was one of those huge, New York sewer rats. So you had a pet rat as a child?

No.

*I thought you just said that you did.

No, I said I used to race them as a child.

*You're winding me up, right?

Yes. [Laughs.]

*It wasn't very funny.

It wasn't to you, but it was to me. That's usually the intention, isn't it? It's always at somebody's expense. You're from Bizarre and you're asking me bizarre questions, right?

*I am. Anyway... Do you have any phobias?

If I did I wouldn't tell you. I don't want your readers to know about a chink in my armour.

*Do you think Bizarre's readers would take it that seriously?

Well, given a particular situation, you never know.

*Do you really think somebody would come up to you with a spider in their hand and taunt you with it?

No, people have already done that to me with spiders - that's fine, cool. I just look at them like they're moronic, which they usually are.

*If you could have a superpower, what would you choose?

Integrity.

*Don't you already have that?

Yes. There isn't anything else to achieve.

Most people would choose something like X-ray vision...

I already have that.

Something like the ability to fly doesn't appeal to you?

That's not a superpower - that's a fantasy. I already have all the superpowers a person can have. I'm not talking about Hollywood - I'm talking about the real thing. If you apply what the philosophers and sages say, you already have tremendous power - but people are too concerned with what they don't have and the trappings of materialism.
And as a result they don't look at virtue. There's great power in love, integrity and honesty. If you're conscious to it, you'll know that each person has the power to be a superhero, and the only problem with
it is this: when you recognise how to become a superhero, people will say you have a superhero complex and ridicule you for having
the power.

Interesting. A lot of people just say the ability to fly

or something.

I stopped being a kid when I was about six years old.

What's the craziest rumour you've heard about yourself?

That I'm arrogant.

Who said that?!

Everybody.

No! Really?

Yeah.

Is that not true, though?

Of course not.

So you don't entertain the possibility that you're perhaps just a little, teensy bit arrogant?

No, not at all.

Have you still got that big truck?

Is this one of your questions or is it personal?

Just a personal thing, really. I can go back to the questions.

No, I will answer anything. I think the vehicle is awesome.

In what sense?

It makes me feel like I'm having fun.

If you had to have sex with an animal, what would you choose?

Don't ask a silly question, and if you do I will hang the phone up.

OK, I was just curious.

Don't be rude. You're not talking to a kid here. I'm a grown man. Carry on. Also, I'd like you to print my response to the last question you asked.

Which, the sex-with-an-animal question?

Yes.

OK, I can do that. Did it offend you?

Offend? Well, I'm not a child. Don't talk to me like I'm a child. I'm not a teenager. You're an interviewer - interview me. You're not talking to a kid, you're talking to a man. You're not talking to a fool - you're talking to a man. Talk to me with respect.

Three questions ago you said you'd answer anything.

Anything decent, let's not be silly here.

OK. Well, thanks a lot - I'm going to let you go now anyway.

I didn't like that interview at all.

No?

No.

Why? What was wrong with it?

It did nothing for me. It was ridiculous.

It didn't do much for me either, really.

What a waste of time.

Well, you get a plug for your website out of it, don't you?

I didn't know that was the point.

The plug goes on the end.

I wasn't aware of that.

Well, I believe that's why your agent approached us.

I hope one day we meet because, if we do, we'll have a far better conversation, I am sure.

I hope so.

We would do.

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