Have you ever been obsessed with anyone?

Apart from myself?

You can say yourself if you would like.

I have been definitely obsessed with someone. A high-school sweetheart. Obsessed to the point that it was 10 years ago and I still every now and then Google their name.

Do you think she’s aware of you?

No, I don’t think she has a clue.

You have no idea what happened to her?

No, she disappeared one day.

What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever had in your mouth?

I’ve had something dangerous in my mouth. A handgun. I was holding it and I had my finger on the trigger. Dark times, dark times. Someone had one in the house. It was in LA.

Was it loaded?

Yeah, I was fucked and probably just trying to be a bit macho. I was freaking myself out.

Was there any chance you would have pulled the trigger?

I flirted with it. A couple of girls were very tearful. I was in a bit of a headfuck. I think I probably suggested I was going to do it more than I ever would have done it. Tears were shed.

Do you have any recurring dreams?

Just the standard one that my teeth are fucking crumbling and falling out. I think it’s supposed to be something to do with anxiety. Maybe it’s just that I need to go to the dentist.

Have you ever seen a UFO?

I’ve seen a couple of them in the last 10 years. Out in the country. They’re just like a big light that comes in close and then just zooms straight off.

Honestly, were you sober, Mr Tourette?

Er, one time I was and one time I wasn’t.

Do you collect anything weird?

When I was a kid I used to collect stones. That’s not weird, is it. I had a few hundred. Mostly ones you could put in your pocket, but a couple of big ones.

Where did you get them?

Beaches, walking down the street. I went in shops to buy them. Markets.

Do you still have your stone collection?

I think it’s very depleted but I think my mum’s still got it somewhere.

Do you draw faces on them?

No, because I liked them too much. I also have crystal rocks, you know, healing rocks, the ones you can circle around and then collect their aura. I still have them.

What kind of healing stone?

It’s like a clearish stone, and when you move it around in a circle on your hands you feel this magnetic pull and a warm sort of glow. I keep it in my pocket.

Does it help?

I think so.

What’s your idea of hell? Does it involve Jade Goody et al?

Yeah, that would be my idea of hell. That’s not even a joke. That’s definitely one step in the right direction towards the dark lord.

What were you thinking?

To be honest, hell hadn’t started, had it? I left when hell opened up. I didn’t really experience hell so much. It was quite easy for me. I was wasted one night, hungover the next day, and left the next one. It wasn’t too hard. I didn’t have to speak to the morons.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Yeah. It was at this place where my mum and dad used to live. There was a ghost there called The Grey Lady. She just hovered down the corridor and then fucked off. I’ve also seen other ghosts in the house but they were just colours on the door, changing and then disappearing and then coming back. It was weird.

If you had to have sex with an animal, which animal would you choose?

A shark. Because nobody knows how sharks reproduce.

So you’d give yourself up for science? That’s very noble. If you had to eat another celebrity to stay alive, who would it be?

There are two ways you can look at this problem. Someone like Victoria Silvstedt is really fit and would make a really nice meal. But obviously if you had to sacrifice a total fucking cretin you would sacrifice Jade Goody. But you wouldn’t want to eat that because it would probably taste like shit.

What’s the biggest animal you’ve killed?

A deer. It ran out in front of my car. I knocked it over, and went back to have a look at it and it was still alive. Just as I was about to kill it properly, because you had to, this car came steaming around the corner and ran over it again. So it was dead.

That’s one unlucky deer.

But lucky me, I didn’t have to smash it with a shovel.

Do you ever hear voices in your head?

Only frustrated ones.

If you could kill someone without any consequences, who would you choose?

Chris Moyles. I’ve always thought he was a fucking knob jockey, but then he started on me for no reason. He just started going on saying he’s going to release a single the same week as us and it will get higher in the charts. So I sent him a big box of Big Macs and a songwriting book for beginners, with a note saying, “Get this down your fat neck and learn how to write a tune.” Now he just rants every day. He may be slagging us off, but it’s all good, isn’t it?

What’s the closest to death you’ve come?

I’ve knocked myself a few times. I fell off a 30ft speaker stack and landed on my head.

Was this during one of your gigs?

Yeah. I went to jump off a speaker stack and swing off what I thought was a steel bar going along the roof of the venue, but it turned out there was a laser show on that night and it was a laser beam. My fingers went straight through it and I landed on my head. I looked like John Merrick [the Elephant Man]. I was out cold for about 20 minutes.

If you had to choose between necrophilia, coprophilia and bestiality, which would it be?

If I had to choose… I think I would go for coprophilia. I think there’s something really wrong about screwing a dead person or an animal. I could handle my own turds, you know?

The Towers Of London’s album, Blood, Sweat And Towers, is out now. Towers Of London, the TV show, is on Bravo all the time