I once went to bed on Christmas Eve and slept right through Christmas Day and woke up on Boxing Day.

Have you ever had a relationship with a fan?

Well, I don’t know. Not in the serious sense. But if girls that come to a concert you’re at, if you finish up with them, are you finishing up with a fan? If you meet a girl in a café and she knows who you are and you end up with her, are you finishing up with a fan? So the answer is: What are fans? Fans are friends.

What’s the weirdest animal you’ve eaten?

I don’t know. I’m from Yorkshire and we don’t do many weird things in Yorkshire. I suppose if you eat a pork pie and you don’t know what’s inside it, there could be something quite strange inside it. In the old days there was a barber called Sweeney Todd who would pull a handle and the punter in the chair would fall backwards into a cellar and was cut up and put in pies by a woman next door called Mrs Lovett. They both finished up getting hanged. If anybody ended up having one of Mrs Lovett’s pies and you asked them, they wouldn’t know there was something in the pie. I don’t know what’s in a pork pie so that could be the weirdest thing I’ve eaten.

It almost certainly is.

All the strongest people in the world and world-champion heavyweight boxers all grew up on a diet of pork pies, sausages and beer. None of that namby-pamby food for them. I had a pork pie this morning.

What’s the longest you’ve not sleep for?

A reverse question is: “What is the longest you’ve actually slept?” Is that of interest?

Sure.

I once went to bed on Christmas Eve and slept right through Christmas Day and woke up on Boxing Day. When I got up I phoned someone thinking it was Christmas Day, and they said that was yesterday. I said, no it’s not. And they said it was. That was quite a staggering thing to do; I actually slept right through a 24-hour period. It’s strange because you wake up and think, “Ooh, it’s Christmas Day!” and then somebody says it was yesterday. It’s like you’ve been dead and woken up.

Do you know why?

No. I was asleep because I wasn’t awake.

Do you have any fetishes?

Can you explain to me what a fetish is, in your opinion?

Something you find attractive for no obvious reason.

I see. I understand that. The word ‘fetish’ is a bit of a strong word, isn’t it? When we see the word ‘fetish’ in the paper, we think of it as something a bit sadomasochistic or something like that.

There is that association.

Yes, but what you’ve told me is simply a visual liking of something. I like to see girls in miniskirts.

When did your miniskirt fetish start?

Whatever year miniskirts started; whenever that was. It was part of the 1960s fashion, all harmless stuff. It’s not deep psychological rocket science.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

No.

Would you like to see a ghost?

Not at all. I should think it’s quite uninteresting, really.

What’s the craziest rumour you’ve heard about yourself?

People come up with – and have done for years and years – the most bizarre things. A lady came up to me the other day and said, “Ooh, it’s a long time since I’ve seen you walking round the streets carrying your little Chihuahua, isn’t it?” And I’ve never had a pet in my bleeding life. I said, “Yes, it is.” And she said, “What happened to it?” I said, “It died.” So she said, “Did you get another?” I said, “No” and she said, “Very wise, very wise.”

What’s the closest you’ve come to death?

Dying. I actually died when I was two.

What happened?

I can’t remember well as I was only two. But legend has it at two I was breathing my last. In those days, in poor families, parents, particularly the mother, were banished from the house and the grandparents took over with a mirror to catch the last breath and all that business. It was quite something in those days. Anyway, along comes the doctor and took one look and said, ‘I’m afraid he’s going.’ So he wrote out a death certificate and left it on the sideboard and went off. By some miracle I didn’t die; that freaked everyone out. When The Duchess, which is my name for my mother, got home and I was still there, she had to get 2p, because in those days you didn’t have phones in the house, you only had phoneboxes, and she ran down and called the doctor and told him I’d come back to life. He had to walk a mile-and-a-half back to get the death certificate and rip it up.

Have you ever been aroused by an inanimate object?

When I first saw the Leaning Tower of Pisa it stopped me in my tracks. I thought it was something very special. When I first saw the pyramids they stopped me in my tracks and I thought “Bleeding hell, that’s amazing!” When you first see the Statue of Liberty you go, “Wow man! Look at that!” So I suppose I’ve been stopped in my tracks, but not aroused.

Not even a semi?

No.

If you had to have sex with an animal, what would you choose?

I wouldn’t even dream of it. It would have to be an 18-year-old Eastern European girl orphan that doesn’t speak much English.

I can’t believe you said that.

Why not? That’s a human animal. I’m a human animal. You’re an animal. What do you think you are? You’re not God-like. You’re the product of millions of years of evolution. You’ve still got a tail. You’ve got the coccyx sticking out your bum, that’s your tail. You’ve got claws like lions, just you call them nails. We’re all animals. That’s a joke.

OK.

When I said an 18-year-old girl orphan who doesn’t speak a lot of English I had my hand in the air. It’s a joke.

We’re done. Thank you.

It’s been an honour and a pleasure. I’ve tried to be as fair and honest with you as I could. I can imagine a lot of people telling you to piss off halfway through. Do a few people do that?

It has happened.

Maybe because you’re putting the mirror of truth to their face asking questions like that. When you put the mirror of truth to my face, I don’t mind that at all.