They’re so soft and cuddly, a really nice comfortable shag. Stick a few Rohypnols in her twigs and she’d be docile enough to have an interesting night with

Ever had a relationship with a fan or a stalker?

No, I always stay away from fans. If I find that anyone even likes the
band or has a poster on their wall, then I’m out of there. I’ve had a few mad stalkers, but never a relationship with one.

Tell me about the stalkers.

One girl found out my address and sent my then-girlfriend letters saying I was having a relationship with her, and that my girlfriend had to leave or else she’d kill her. It didn’t go down well. I’ve got a stalker now who sent me a Parcel Force van full of boxes from America. I’ve no idea what’s in them. It could be bodyparts or narcotics. I’m curious what’s inside, but for fear of incrimination I didn’t open them.

Do you collect anything weird?

Pictures of Mickey Mouse. I’m not a fan of his films, but I collect pictures of him. And I collect small people. If I see any statues of small people in shops, I have to walk away with them in my possession. I have boxes and boxes of these little guys. I also collect sick pictures.

What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever had in your mouth?

Duck’s feet. That was awful. Eyeballs are also difficult to deal with. Goat’s pretty fucking horrible, too. And pigeon as well. Insects from Thailand are pretty bad. I’d love to try human meat.

Do you have any fetishes?

I’m massively into bunny ears. And I used to love girls with spots on their foreheads. I also like girls with a lazy eye. And also getting high and doing disgusting things. I can’t really go into it.

If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

Flying. You look at some birds and think they’re not smart enough to get across the street, but they flap their wings and they’re up there and haven’t got a care in the world. Sometimes when being down here gets too much, I’d love to be able to flap my wings and spend a bit of time in the air.

Have you ever been aroused by an inanimate object?

We had a lamp in the vocal booth in the studio on the last album that was the shape of a lady’s legs. This lamp used to give me the horn something rotten. It had little stockings that went to just above the knees. I loved that thing.

Have you ever seen a UFO?

I’m sure that I was taken on board a UFO when I was five. Obviously I can’t prove it, so I went to hypnotic regression to try and get to the bottom of what happened, but I couldn’t target that particular instance; All I remember was that it was huge and it came across the houses, and then absolutely nothing and just running to my friend’s house and when I woke up it was cold and dark.

What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

Five days. It was speed. By the third day me and the person I was with were having hallucinations. By the fifth day we were seeing the same hallucinations. That was when it got fucking weird and we thought we should sleep.

If you had to have sex with an animal what would you choose?

A panda, I guess. If I was an animal that could have sex with an animal, then I’d choose a rabbit. There’s no secret to why rabbits shag so much, it’s because they’re so cute. But the male pandas don’t fancy the female pandas. It’s dead weird; they’re so fucking beautiful. If I had to, I’d give
a panda some pleasure because she probably hasn’t seen a lot of action. They’re so soft and cuddly, a really nice comfortable shag. Stick a few Rohypnols in her twigs and she’d be docile enough to have an interesting night with. I’d like to see how big a panda’s cock is, to see if I could compete.

What would you choose – necrophilia, coprophilia or bestiality?

I’ve just admitted I’d fuck a panda, so let’s stick with bestiality. Having said that, I really fancied Anna Nicole Smith and if I could’ve got there before she went too cold that might have been more morally acceptable than a panda. It depends if the panda liked it or not. I’m sure the panda would get something out of it. And I’d get an ‘I fucked a panda’ tattoo.

The Wildhearts’ new album, cleverly titled The Wildhearts, is out now