Do you have any fetishes?

Yeah, I’ve got a fetish for men’s armpits.

Unwashed?

Yes. I’ve got a funny thing for the smell of men’s armpits without deodorant. It comes from my mum.
She’s got the same fetish. I was really embarrassed to admit it, but then one day I just came out with it and my mum was like, “Oh my God!” and she started screaming, and she admitted she had the exact same thing.

Do you think it’s the pheromones?

I think so. It must be. I just like the smell of a man. It’s just something I’ve had all my life that I’ve had this real thing for. Often I don’t even tell the guys I’ve got a fetish for it, and I’ll end up sniffing their armpits subtly without them realising what I’m doing.

You freak! So tell me, if you had to eat another celebrity to stay alive, who would you choose?

Hmm, who’s fat? It depends how long I needed to stay alive for, you know? Whether I was going to be rescued in one day or a week.

You’re over-thinking it now.

I know. But if I was going to be there a week and I needed something really big to chew on then it would have to be Rick Waller or someone wouldn’t it?

What do you think he would taste like?

They say that humans taste like pork, but I don’t eat meat so I don’t know. I reckon he’s like one big pork scratching. I wouldn’t like to think about it.

Do you collect anything weird?

Not really. I collect dildos, I’ve got hundreds of them, but they’re not that weird, are they?

It depends. Do you have one shaped like Jesus on the cross?

No.

Could I interest you in one?

No, definitely not – that’s too weird. I’ve got one that’s about 14in long that’s made of this really special Latex that makes it feel like real skin. It’s got the veins in it and everything. It looks like a real willy; it’s absolutely amazing.

OK, moving on – do you have any phobias?

Yeah, spiders and needles.

Knitting needles?

No, like injection needles.

Do you have to give blood often?

No, I’ve never given blood because of my phobia of needles. I’ve got a phobia of drunk people as well.

Really?

Only on weeknights. I’ve had a couple of alcoholic boyfriends so I’ve got a phobia of people who drink too much during the week, because I think it must mean they’ve got problems. It’s a long story.

Have you ever been aroused by an inanimate object?

Yeah – loads of times. I once had some ongoing fun with a pair of nutcrackers. I was about 12, maybe younger.

Yikes. How did you use the nutcrackers?

I rubbed them on myself.

Why nutcrackers?

I don’t know. They were metal and they were cold and they were hard.

And that’s a good thing?

I quite like it, yeah.

Interesting. Is that an ongoing theme in your life?

Er… yeah. I can’t say any more about it.

Have you ever stalked anyone?

Yeah. Loads of times. I get most of my boyfriends through stalking them, because it’s always me who makes a play for them, it’s never the other way round. Well, it is – obviously, I get men coming on to me – but generally I want the man I can’t have, so I stalk them until they give in and say yes.

That’s romantic.

I know! It’s quite cute. I’m the world’s best stalker. One guy I ended up going out with, I didn’t even know his name, I’d only seen him in a bar, and I basically found out not only his name, but his home address and his work address just from basically delving into his life and finding out who he was and what he did.

Have you ever wet yourself through fear?

No. I have wet myself laughing.

When was that?

At my house, at a garden party.

What was so funny?

My friend pretended to be possessed by a ghost, and one of my other friends, who is really thick and gullible, believed him. She shit herself and started crying. I wet myself – I laughed so hard I wet myself and I was sick.

When you said she “shit herself”, did you mean that literally?

No, no, no. She was just crying and the most scared I have ever seen anyone in my whole life. She just burst into tears. She really, really believed the prank because the guy who was pretending to be possessed had never met the girl before, and we told him loads of stuff about her, so while he was pretending to be possessed he was dropping in things like the name of her cat and stuff and things he couldn’t possibly have known. And she believed it!

God almighty. I suppose now seems like as good a time as any to ask: If you had to have sex with an animal, what would you choose?

I really couldn’t bring myself to do it. I would honestly rather die than have sex with an animal. Just because it’s disgusting and I can’t think of anything more disgusting, apart perhaps from having sex with a dead body. I campaign for animal rights. I would rather die.

Do you think there are some animals out there that would love to have a go on Jodie Marsh?

Well let them think that. They’re not going to get a chance.

If you really had to choose between bestiality, necrophilia and coprophilia, which would you go for?

I’d do coprophilia.

Who would you choose to accompany you?

It wouldn’t really matter. It would all be disgusting.

I want a name, damn you!

Er… OK… Eminem.

I didn’t see that coming. Why him?

Because he’s fit and he’s got lots of tattoos and if I had to play with someone’s shit, it might as well be his.

Jodie is now presenting Get A Life! on Living TV, on Thursday nights at 8pm. Her website is Jodiemarsh.tv