You know Jim Bowen, him from Bullseye, Bullseye repeats and now this interview. You know, “Super, smashing, great!” and “Look at what you could have won!” No? You must be under thirty-five.

	it’s all bollocks

Have you ever seen a ghost?
No, it’s all bollocks.

So you don’t even believe them a little?
It’s bollocks. I walk away from people that claim to have seen ghosts. They need help. It’s all rubbish. It’s like fortune tellers or astrologers. They all need putting in a box with Arthur Scargill and Lord Longford and being pushed down the Bristol Channel in a canoe.

You don’t believe in astrologers either?!
A friend of mine, a very bright lady, she went to see a medium recently and I’ve lost all faith in her now. Imagine someone having the arrogance to predict the future. All these surgeons who study the minutiae of the brain for years and years and they’ve got people whose IQ won’t reach room temperature and they say that they can predict the future. It’s bollocks.

Have you ever seen a UFO?
No.

I sense that you’re sceptical about them too…
Not sceptical; they’re not there. How’s this for a grumpy old man, eh? The scientific knowledge we have now is enough to discredit any sighting that there’s been.

Do you collect anything weird?
Not weird. I collect £20 notes and nice cheques. No, seriously, my weakness has been motorcars. I’ve had them all – Rolls Royce, Bentley, Mercedes. If I’d not had cars, I’d be a really wealthy man. I’m not so bad anyway. Tetley Bitter is another one.

So you’re a bitter man?
I’m not a bitter man, but I’m a bitter man.

What’s the craziest rumour that you’ve heard about yourself?
I think it’s that I am gay. There are so many Jim Bowen websites – is still massive – it’s crazy. Websites that I have nothing to do with are being built all the time and some of them say that I am gay. And I get emails suggesting that I am gay as well. That’s the most shocking thing, I think. I promise you that there are not many men that I kiss.

Not many?
It’s under a dozen a week… That’s going to look weird in print.

Sure is. What’s your idea of hell?
Standing in a pub where all the guys and girls are talking loudly at the bar and swearing outrageously. I find that horrendous, swearing and saying ‘fuck’ and ‘twat’. I went to the Comedy Store in London recently and I went to see six guys trying to be comics. The language was appalling. Every other word was bodily functions or women’s bits or sticking bits here and there. I don’t knock it because that’s how it is now. It isn’t fine with me but it’s fine with society now and that’ll do. Luckily I can do my act without swearing or getting naked. I could be as funny as anyone walking up the aisle of a theatre with nothing. I’d get more laughs than anybody. If it went to court I’d be dismissed for lack of evidence. I don’t find anything amusing about that.

Did you or do you have an imaginary friend?
No, no, no.

Do you ever hear voices in your head?
No, never. Go on.

Do you have any phobias?
Oh yeah. I’m not happy about spiders or birds. But I really hate flying. It’s cost me a million quid. I can’t get on a plane. If I knew that I was flying anywhere next week, I wouldn’t sleep between now and then worrying about it. It’s awful. It’s childish, it’s stupid, and it’s ridiculous. I’ve missed so many gigs and my poor wife has missed so many good holidays. I’d kill to go to New Orleans.

Could you be drugged like Mr T?
I went on a Fear of Flying course down at Heathrow and at the end of it the man who was teaching it was scared of flying. That’s how bad I am. I’m a sad old bugger. I do some cruises. They put me on when the ships at sea so people have nowhere else to go.

What’s the biggest animal you’ve ever killed?
None. I’m thinking… well, we didn’t kill her but we took our beautiful black Labrador called Sammy to the vet’s to have her put down. I suppose that’s killing her but we only did it because she was in so much grief. I had to come out. I think my act has killed a few people in the audience through boredom and wondering why I’m there.

I once saw someone have an asthma attack and nearly die at a comedy gig.
Really? I’ve never quite had that. I had a guy a lot of years ago that had a heart attack on the fourth row of the theatre while I was on.

What did you do?
I carried on. I had to. There were six hundred in. He coughed and stiffened a bit and they came in and took him out. I stopped for a while but there are people on the other side of the theatre who don’t know what’s going on and you’ve got to carry on for them I suppose.

What’s the strangest thing that you’ve ever eaten?
I’m a boring sod. I think on one cruise ship I once a Derby winner. It came under the guise of a rib eye steak but I think it was part of Desert Orchid’s bum.

What’s the closest you’ve ever come to death?
In 1973 I was smoking 80 cigarettes a day. I went to the doctor and had an x-ray and he said that I had emphysema. I was 36. He said that if I carried on smoking, after two years I wouldn’t be able to go from sitting to standing, and in three years I wouldn’t be alive. It frightened the pants off me so I left 80 Embassy and a gold Dupont lighter on his desk and never smoked again. It was easy because I was frightened to death.

If you had to sleep with an animal what would you choose?
Sleep with as in sleep with, a panda. I’d make sure that all its holes were bunged up before I started but it’s as near a duvet as I can get. And they don’t do sex, that’s why there is a shortage of them.

They probably wouldn’t be prodding you all night.
I don’t think so. If they did I’d probably give them a smack with my make-up case.

With your make-up case? Would you disguise yourself as another panda?
I might just black up, yeah.

That’s a lovely image.
I’d quite like to be cuddled by a panda.