Do you believe in past lives?

No, but my mother thinks she used to be a black woman.

Maybe you inherited huge cock genes then.

Well, when I was a kid I used to play in the bath with my G.I. Joes and pretend my penis was a Loch Ness monster.

Or perhaps that’s where you get your back sense of humour.

The dumbest joke I ever heard was from my dad when I was litle . He asked me if I wanted to hear a dirty joke, then said “A white horse fellin a mud puddle”. I spent years trying to figure it out – was it some kind of rude code? Slang? Was the horse naked?

Did you have any childhood phobias?

When I was 5 years old I was given a doll of Stretch Armstrong’s arch-enemy as a gift. It terrified me. My parents had to hide it underneath blankets in the closet. I found it later and played with it until I ripped its neck open and all this green jelly spewed out. What was once my feared toy then became my favourite gungey companion.

What scares you now?

I don’t like snakes.

Bit tricky supporting Alice Cooper then…

He didn’t have the snake on that tour. I’m not a big fan of spiders either, despite my arachnid tattoos. One bit me on the chest once – it looked like a third nipple. Then it turned black and fell off.

You should have sent it to a fan.

I received my weirdest fan request this week in Germany, actually. They sent me a box full of all sorts of stuff, and right at the bottom were two syringes and a note asking me to fill them with blood because they wanted to make necklaces.

Did you drain your veins?

I mailed them some blood, but I’m not saying whether it was mine.

Ever killed an animal?

When I was younger I was obsessed with cryogenics. I would put frogs in the freezer and then try to thaw them out with my mum’s hair drier. It never worked. I also used to have a pet chicken, Omar the cannibal, that I fed other bits of chicken on stage. That didn’t kill him though. He just stopped living one hot summer.

Did you eat him?

No. I did chop his feet off and make an ornament for my guitar, but after a while they started to rot. I’ve eaten alligator though. That tastes like chicken.

You should eat snake. Ingest your fear.

Yeah, that would probably taste like chicken too. I’m quite picky about food – I only tried steak for the first time a few years back, although I would eat human.

Anyone you think would taste good?

Well, I don’t really look at people and think “I’d really like to devour your arm”.

But you might like to sign it…

Yeah, I’ve shortenedmy signature now to ‘W13’, as I used to get so drunk at shows that people would ask me to sign them and I’d be scrawling ‘Wendy 13’ or ‘Windy 13’ or some incoherent scribble like that on their skin, then they’d get that shit permanently tattooed, poor fuckers.

Speaking of fuckers, you wrote a song called ‘I Like To Say Fuck’.

I used to work night shifts at K-Mart. They’d lock me in with a janitor from the Czech republic every evening, and I’d take my guitar into the ladies bathroom where the acoustics were good. That song was born there.

Any other favourite words?

When I’m in the UK, I like to say ‘corridor’. It makes me sound very British. Much plummier than ‘hallway’.

If you could have a superpower, what would it be?

Invisibility. So I could sneak into ladies’ bathrooms when women were actually in them.

And write songs?

Nah, just listen – to the girls’ secret chats, not the sound of them taking a dump. I enjoy my own time in the bathroom. I read. I hang out. I have a Bizarre mag in my toilet at home, actually.

What’s the closest you’ve come to death?

I wrecked my car last September. It flipped five times, but somehow I climbed out sideways. I’d just finished recording my new album – the first copy was on the passenger seat, and all my guitars and amps were in the back. Miraculously, although the car was crushed, my instruments were fine and I only suffered a broken collar bone , despite smashed glass flying everywhere. There were even shards inside the CD case.

When did you last lose blood then?

I’ve had my front teeth knocked out several times, and I’d hoped for a car on 16th birthday, but instead I got my nose broken and new tyres for my bicycle.

Ever have odd dreams?

I have the most ridiculous dreams of all time. The other day I dreamed that I opened my garage door to find a strange family living in my house. They’d completely redesigned my basement, and when I told them to get out, we had a fight with hammers. It ended just as a guy pulled out a nail and was trying to crucify me. I woke myself up laughing recently too, after I dreamed about a man eating his own head – I think it was inspired by a scene in Team America.

If you had to sleep with an animal, what would you pick?

I’d like to sleep inside a ton ton from Star Wars; there’s a scene where Han Solo rips open the animal’s belly so Luke Skywalker can cuddle up within its warm guts, like a sleeping bag. In terms of sleeping with, I’d screw a kangaroo. For the pouch. It’s a bonus hole.

What if there was a joey in there?

Threesome! As long as it had its parents’ consent.

What if you had a choice between bestiality, coprophilia or necrophilia?

I’d probably go for necrophilia.

And where would you choose to bed the dead?

I’d take the corpse to a KFC. The scent of fried food would cover the smell of decomposure. And I could buy a family bucket beforehand, then if the stiff was ugly, empty out the chicken and put it over her face.

What’s your favourite treat, and your most impressive trick?

If I could have any treat right now I’d have a bed, as I’m so tired. A duvet made of cotton candy, so I could eat my way out and wake up with a sugar high. As far as tricks go, I’ve been working on trying to do a cock push up…

It would be easier if you used a strap-on, for extra rigidity.

Perhaps I need to develop a spring-loaded support.

An automatic reinforced phallic thruster.

The phallic thruster! Yes. It’d be a big hit with fans. At gigs, I’d suddenly hear this ‘shhhh!’ sound of them collectively activating their phallic thrusters in the mosh pit, and then screams as people got violently poked in the eye by fake pop-up cocks.

Shameless Plug!
Wednesday 13’s third solo album, Skeletons, is out now. Go buy it with your gypsy gold.












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