Tonight's crowd was an eclectic mix of alternative revellers, all here to show off their high-end fashion arses. There was a bit too much Dior Homme for my liking, so imagine my relief when I clocked a large lady dressed as a teddy bear, handing out lollies to her fellow clubbers. In an instant, she made me feel right at home.

Entertainment was in the form of Michael J Coxx, who describes himself as the "lyrical piss-stain on the gusset of snivelling bitch rap electro", and DJ sets from Ralph Razor that included a collection of electro-rock and mashed-up pop. Whatever that means.

Unfortunately, Icelandic band Trabant cancelled at the last minute, leaving a void in our hearts where their power ballads should have been, so while our photographer busied himself with a male geisha, I stumbled off to hunt down the lady with the lollies.